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Socialist Commonwealth

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The 5 Worst Foods of Europe!
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#5 Eiffellandian "Fleischwurst"
The Eiffellandian "Fleischwurst" is harmless on the first glance. A sausage made of finely grounded pork that shares some resemblance to baloney or lyoner sausage. Like those, it is derived from mortadella, a popular Vinedian luncheon meat. Don't let that fool you. The true horror of the Fleischwurst resides in its ubiquitous usage. A quick glance into cooking forums and recipe pages from Eiffelland reveals: anything can be made with Fleischwurst and cheese. Dinner courses, entrés, quick snacks, even dessert. And your next heart attack.

#4 Salty Black Licorice
This one is traditional in parts of northern Germania and Scania. People from these regions will tell you how great it is. There are regions where the entire culture seems to revolve around this abomination. It's supposed to be a candy. It is salty. But worse, instead of normal salt, many products use Salmiak, also known as ammonium chloride. It has a strong smell reminiscent of ammonia, like in rotten eggs. It's tangy and unpleasant if you did not grow up with it. Scanians will hate you for saying so.

#3 Airag
Another traditional product, originating from nomadic tribes living in parts of Kadikistan and Kashtan. Airag is an alcoholic beverage and what could go wrong there you may think. The answer is: fermented mares milk. Raw mares milk is itself already quite unpleasantly surprising to those used to the more western choice of pasteurized cow milk. Leave it to rot for a few weeks in a leather bag and you get Airag and quite possibly a bad case of a stomach infection.

#2 Escargot
Everything sounds fancier in Bourgognean, so does Escargot. Don't let the name fool you. The main component of this delicacy is literally snails. Boiled and usually served with garlic butter, eating snails has a long tradition particularily in the catholic regions of Gallia. For some reason, the church declared them "not meat", so it was considered okay to eat them during lent. We would have sticked to fish, though.

#1 Implarian cheese
Calling it cheese is literally illegal in several countries, because it actually isn't. What most Europeans associate with the word is a product developed through centuries of tradition and craftmanship. What's usually sold under that name in the Socialist World Republic however is a monstrous hybrid of having no such tradition and a state-controlled dairy industry. Leftovers from actual cheese production mixed together in a chemical process that involves plenty of artificial flavoring and colors results in what is surely deserving of the title: Europes worst food.
 

Socialist Commonwealth

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4 facts you did not know about fast food!
ClickPipe Food

#1 Fast Food was a feminist plot!
Of course, humans have been eating quick meals on the streetside for thousands of years. Countries across Europe have a rich tradition of street vendors selling delicious snacks to go and are rightfully proud of it. When we are talking about fast food, however, we usually mean a more recent trend: quick meals served by meticulously organized chain restaurants. They serve standardized quality across the globe for a small price thanks to efficient organization and division of labor. Curiously enough, this type of fast food restaurant first came around in the Socialist World Republic as a deliberate political effort to liberate women from the household chore of cooking food. Burger joints and drive-in diners were supposed to provide affordable alternatives that would allow women to abandon their role as housewive and become a productive part of the socialist working class.

#2 the Hamburger is an Elbener invention
With fast food so unquestionably of Implarian origin, few would assume that its most iconic dish is actually an act of cultural appropriation. The hamburger, a simple beef patty served in a bread bun, is often wrongfully thought to be an authentic Implarian dish when its actual roots are Elbener. The northern germanic peoples may use more wholesome breadrolls and their Frikadellen are more boldly seasoned, often being made from pork or even fish too - in stark contrast to their plain Implarian cousins. But the first serving of a hamburger in the Implarian States, long before they became the Socialist World Republic, can actually be traced to a Elbener immigrant named Hans Herzog.

#3 Cola was meant as alternative to alcoholic drinks
As with the fast food industry itself, its most popular drink too is tied up with the political developements of the Socialist World Republic. A good while before the revolution, the peoples of Implaria were chafing under Engell imperial rule - and drowning their sorrows in alcohol. This was considered a problem especially by the socialist labor leaders in the region, who believed that alcoholic spirit should be replaced by revolutionary spirit and also by womens rights organizations, who were worried about alcoholized husbands becoming violent towards their families. This alliance of socialist and temperance activists included a woman named Joanna Pemberton, who concocted a drink to be consumed instead of beer or bourbon: cola. The small error she made of including cocaine in a recipe meant to lead men away from drug consumption would be corrected in later decades.

#4 Some of the largest fast food chains are state-owned
Have you ever been to Red Grill? Implarian Burger? Metro's? All those fast food chains with restaurants across Europe share a little secret: they are state-owned companies of the Socialist World Republic. They are just the largest three of a whole industry dominated by the state and dozens of smaller chains can be found within the SWR. The "big three" are a valuable source of income for the socialists and reportedly, managers have orders to ensure that labor conditions and pay remain above average wherever another restaurant is opened abroad. Just remember that the next time you chow down a quarter-meter pastrami sandwich, you are swallowing communism!
 

Socialist Commonwealth

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Take the test! Which European dictator are you?
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Q: What's your thought on warfare?


A: I am a strict pacifist and have strong words for nations that start wars, especially if they start them by firing upon the tanks I've sent into their countries.

B: I love celebrating the glamor and heroism of ancient wars fought by other men, sometimes from other countries, too.
C: I don't fight wars, I fight revolutions. Those are infinitely better and less bloody, I swear.

Q: What's your favorite food?

A: I'm not a picky eater and generally enjoy anything, as long as my people can't have it.
B: If you call it Kebab, I'll have you executed. It's called Gyros!
C: Kimchi. Just like myself it is spicy, it was once very simple and became better by being left to itself - and it produces a lot of poisonous gases.


Q: What's your least favorite minority?

A: Everyone. Minority means people whose opinions don't count, right?
B: The jews. They brought us the muslims.
C: The man. He's constantly breathing down the neck of honest, hard-working unquestioned rulers like myself.

Q: What country would you love to visit?

A: Burgundy. I'd bring as many of my friends as I can. What do you mean, I don't have friends, only soldiers?
B: Burgundy. To temporarily secure their works of art and culture.
C: Burgundy. There is something about a place where the state authority is collapsing that just appeals to me.

Q: If you could choose a new national bird for your country, what would it be?


A: A vulture.
B: Another eagle, but with more heads.
C: Owls.


Check out your results below!

Mostly A: General-Secretary Sergei Moravscik - As unquestioned leader of the Kadikistani Union, you know that wealth and power are ultimatively a corrupt influence. Which is why you have selflessly taken upon yourself to shield your people from such harmful influences. Being the only man in such a large country who can not enjoy the character-strenghtening experiences of poverty, starvation and death on a foreign battlefield is surely a heavy cross to bear, but you will have to persist.

Mostly B: Emperor Isaakios I & V Laskaris - How did you get on this list? You're no dictator! How could anyone claim you are? No, really, how could anyone claim that? You've explicitely outlawed this as an insult to his majesty. And you are his majesty! Someone must have slipped up. No worries, you will make sure the offending parties are severely punished.

Mostly C:
Marshal Dorgon - Most dictators think that a state apparatus creates power. You, however, know that the state takes power away from the common man. Common men like yourself! You believe firmly in the ability of each and everyone to make their own fortune. And how could you not? After all, entirely on your own you've become the leader of an entire country and a powerful military commander. You don't need any state telling you what to do with your very own army, nor do you need anything like parliament or elections delegating your power away to lesser men than yourself.
 

Socialist Commonwealth

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President Trumms favorite Curry
ClickPipe Food

President of the SWR Donna Trumms press conference during her visit to the nation of Azraq has become infamous in the political world and the source of countless memes online. We paid just enough attention to give you what really matters: her favorite curry recipe.

Ingredients
  • 750g of mutton
  • 500g okra
  • salt to taste
  • 2 tsp chilli
  • 2 tsp coriander
  • ½ tsp turmeric
  • 1 tsp cumin
  • 1 medium sized whole garlic bulb
  • 1 ½ cup sliced onions
  • 1 cup chopped tomatoes
  • 8 - 10 green chillies chopped roughly
  • oil for frying
  • 4 tbs oil
  • 1 ¼ C water
Instructions
  1. Heat oil and fry the okra in it.
  2. When you put in the okra, the oil has to be very hot, so be careful.
  3. Also do not over crowd the pot.
  4. Fry the okra to a point where the slime vanishes and all you get is a deep fried okra.
  5. The easiest method to test this is by dipping a slotted spoon in the pan and lifting a few okras and letting them drop back in.
  6. While you are dropping the okra back in, notice the oil falling back from the spoon as well. If it appears to have a slimy/ watery texture, your okra is not yet fried to the desired texture.
  7. The okra is done when you can no longer see the slime lines along with the oil on the spoon.
  8. Do not overcook the okra at this stage and ensure you don't brown them too much.
  9. On another heat source, put a pressure cooker and add in 4 tbs oil and heat it.
  10. Then add the meat and sauté for about 2 minutes.
  11. Now add in the water, 1 Cup of sliced onions, tomatoes, garlic and all the spices except green chillies and pressure cook it for about 10- 12 minutes.
  12. Start the timer after the pressure builds up and starts to release.
  13. And as always, pressure cook on medium heat.
  14. Allow the pressure cooker to release the pressure on its own – this allows for further cooking of the meat.
  15. Once the pressure releases, open the cooker and check for liquid quantities. If there is too much water, bring the contents of the cooker to a boil and let it boil till the liquid evaporates and the oil separates.
  16. When you see the oil separating, add in the onion and the green chillies and the fried okra. Stir to mix carefully. Cover and simmer on low heat for about 10 more minutes.
 

Socialist Commonwealth

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The weird world of Crusader Rap
ClickPipe Music

The world of hip hop music is associated by most with extravagant displays of wealth, songs about crime, fame, fortunes and sexual promiscuity. It is a subculture that celebrates success and reveling in it like few others. In such a scene, "crusader rap" stands out in a particularily crass contrast. "Crusader Rap" is fundamentalist catholic hip hop.

Though the scene is slowly developing in many different countries, its roots and strongest base lie in Burgundy, where most of its succesful rappers stem from. For example Martin Fontaine - or ChevalierX, as his stage name goes. Martin was born and raised in a poor suburb in Pillau. Oscillating between a life of smalltime crimes and early prison sentences, Martin eventually found god. His faith helped him abandon crime and find honest employment and when that all fell apart as the nation did the same, Martins faith radicalized. A devout, even fanatical catholic now, he left for eastern Burgundy as leftist militias took over his hometown.

The 'X' in his stage name is meant to symbolize the cross of Christ. Martin has conducted entire shows wearing nothing but a penitential robe. He doesn't drink, "except for wine at the communion," as he notes. His shows are sober, focused events with little to no fuss made over lighting and stage shows. Many of his fans will break into spontaneous choruses of "amen" during songs. Others have been known to speak in tongues as religious and musical ecstasy gripped them.

But Crusader Rap isn't a happy celebration of faith, as one may know it from Natalian gospel choirs. It is angry and aggressive. And it is, more than anything else, explicitely political. ChevalierX songs bear titles like "The Reconquest of Europe" or "Burn the chicken nugget kings". The song "Cardinal against Communism" features the line "my pope is Taft" and celebrates the well known far-right cardinal as a hero and role-model. Many of the songs allude to antisemitic conspiracy theories and, if asked to speak his mind more plainly, Martin does not shy away from radical statements.

"All Jews are traitors unto god," Martin says. "They know the truth of Jesus Christ, but they have chosen Satan. They can not be forgiven. They have spilled too much blood."

Martin is typical for the scene that is rapidly growing in many cities of Gallo-Germania. In a time of confusing, sudden and dangerous changes, catholic fundamentalism seems to offer a kind of stability and guidance that many young people crave.
 
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