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Dale Emerick - Liberty Online Bunker LIVE

Thaumantica

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*Whenever a free man owns a gun, a tyrant is on the run. It's Dale Emerick, the West Engell Wildman, broadcasting live from the Liberty Online Bunker in Engellachia!*

Dale Emerick: “Ripped from the headlines: Vesper 24 says Prime Minister Grafton’s approval rating has slipped under forty percent. Aren’t these the same people who offered me five million Engellmarks a year to wear a suit and be their little you know what puppet boy? Oh but maybe I should tell the audience how these Capital Metropolitan slimeballs not only rig the opinion polls, but nearly stole the whole damn election in the winter? Now they want to drag out old lecher Ilchester, and the damn Queen of Corruption Veronica North to challenge our champion . . More after the break, I’m pissed!

*papers shuffling and crunching noise*

*”The purest iodine can’t be found anywhere other than in genuine Thaumantic deep sea crystals. You’re a human, and you need iodine for your body to operate at its optimum level. Now you’re a Thaumantican too, or hell you wish you were, and that’s why you need our deep sea crystal formula to provide your body with the right stuff to go to the next level, fight back the communists, and go to the stars”*

Dale Emerick: “You know who owns Vesper 24 anyways? Or do you just take every little damn thing those liars print or broadcast as truth? Let’s see, Vesper 24 is owned by Victor and Melinda Tidewell, under Tidewell Media Trust, how sweet . . Except Victor has been accused of groping and sexually assaulting employees, a few have been settled out of court, and darling Melinda was removed from three charity boards by the Republican Security Bureau after she was found embezzling donated funds.

Maybe I’m not supposed to say all that, because maybe I was told these things from a source inside the PM’s office who maybe doesn’t want to bring this shadow civil war into the light. Well you know what, Victor and Melinda, I’ve got my own pills and polls, and the polls give Grafton and his New Republicans an 80% approval rating!

Folks, of course Edwin Grafton isn’t as popular as Veronica North or Felix Ilchester in Vesper, where if you read the fine print is the only sample population they drew from. Vesper is a cesspool of organized crime, it’s the dumping ground for Westernesse and Engellachia for every Tom and Susie who couldn’t hack it as a worker or a farmer - so now they want to live in cubes stacked on top of each other, turn in their guns, all to elect kiddy diddling socialist weirdos to serve the globalists!

Well Grafton isn’t one of these types, I’ve spoken to him before and to folks around him, and I have sources inside of the RSB - the Republican Security Bureau who are patriots that understand what needs to be done to keep liberty alive in this country for the common Engellachian like you and me. I didn’t get into any of this stuff, talking to spooks or having my house stalked by socialist assassins, because I wanted to live in a spy movie or sound cool on the radio. This is a battle for my future, my children’s future, their children’s future, and these Metropolitans in Vesper are willing to do whatever it takes to win.

Hahah, well guess what Vera, guess what Felix-boy, Grafton is too. Bruce Steinvasser knows what it takes to win this war, and damn it so do I! They want you to think that they simply want a fair vote, a recall election in midsummer, but we all know what they are up to! Dirty tricks! Ballot tampering, this time without screw ups in the Port District, and you know what else I see on social media? These criminals are putting their war chest on the table to hire folks to protest. They’re gonna use the same tactics or worse they used during the Catastrophe last year, they’re gonna borrow tactics from Sylvania’s little leftist twat President Snyder, excuse me to the female audience but c’mon!

You see, I’m not angry because of the personal attacks they use on me or our Prime Minister, they can say whatever they want and I will too! I’m mad because they’re coming after our rights to speak, our rights to bear arms, and our rights to form together as Free Engellkind in a Militia! It ain’t about how ‘Dale’s so fat and stupid, even though he’s probably stealing my wife’, or ‘oh PM Grafton is a bald loser, and he’s a Cussian buttboy’. Fine, even if all of that’s true it doesn’t mean we want to steal your freedom or make you some sort of Communist!

But I said I’d go to your calls, or maybe I didn’t, or maybe I did so we will:”
 

Elben

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"Hallo, Dale! Thanks fer yer deep sea crystals and ev'rything else you do. I love listenin' to the show and I called in today 'cause I wanted to ask, can you talk s'more about the best ways fer a man to protect his purity of essence? Those mongrels out there trying to take our arms, they're puttin' stuff in the water, an' it's wrong! I think it's so important that a Tha'mantican man, when he makes love to a woman, gives her the best he can so that the next generation is a generation of liberty lovers like you an' me! Take care, Dale!"
 

Thaumantica

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Dale Emerick: “Don’t thank me, thank yourself partner - because when you and the army of listeners out there buy the products and leave honest reviews - y’all are putting a quiver in my arrow aimed at the heart of the globalist hydra, or putting a small but essential plate in my armor to defend me from the attacks I get physically, metaphysically, and politically on a daily basis! So thank yourself friend, and I’ll thank you, and the liberty movement will thank you eternally in the coming clash of essences.

See, when I consider your question I know you know as a learned man and veteran listener what it means to have an essence and a life force, but maybe we have young folks tuning in or it’s there first time listening. So I want to describe for a moment, or get into the mud of what the essence of a Thaumantican man or woman is.

It’s about selflessness, not selfishness. I’m talking about duty and responsibility, and hell throw in accountability. The pursuit of freedom and liberty worldwide, and later to the cosmos, isn’t meant to be easy - there aren’t shortcuts or cheat codes like in some video game or some such.

The essence is serving your family, your wider kinfolk, and your neighbors even when you’re tired. You have a duty to your elders to repay the work and ancestral knowledge they gave you, and a duty to your younglings to pay yet forward all of that and what other lessons you learned that your Daddy didn’t know.

The essence is doing the right thing even when nobody is looking, that means not stealing from your neighbors or sabotaging their works to advance your own.

The essence is taking accountability for your actions or those under your roof, if you dun’ trespassed on someone else you better pay for your crime, or make right through another restitution.

And who’s coming after this essence, that you and I grasp for and try our darndest to maintain? There’s the Communists who think they know better how to manage the fruits of your labor despite never spending a day under that tree pruning, watering, or fertilizing the damn thing. Or there’s the Catholics who have a Father who performs magical arts in heaven, and professed to have wisdom your own Father should have had if he was raised right. But you know, I’m not in a battle with Catholics, at least they have an ethos, it’s the communists I have a problem with.

I’m done rambling, and would be happy to hear your response or take other first time callers . . I see we have an Anna in Vesper who’s been on hold for an hour, we’ll get to you and others if I can manage to shut up . . So don’t hold your breath, honey.

But let me recite an old Marpesian quote right quick, maybe it’ll help some of you pull your own head out of the sand:

‘Your cattle shall die; your kindred shall die; you yourself shall die; but the fair fame of him who has earned it never dies."

Your cattle shall die; your kindred shall die; you yourself shall die; one thing I know which never dies: the judgment on each one dead.’”
 
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Rheinbund

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"Hello, Mr. Emerick. Jean-Luc Marac here, from the Organisation Culturelle Occitaine. I want to thank you for your many items on the atrocities committed by the Serenien armed forces during last year's war. Indeed, Premier Martinique is a war criminal who finds lust in gassing and burning people. This cannot be said often enough. But that is not her only crime. Currently she is strangling Occitanian culture in the Protectorate of Occitania with her immigration policitcs. Could you please make an item on that as well? By the way, I can tell you that the Thaumantic Deep Sea Crystals are a huge success among the members of the Organisation Culturelle Occitaine."

"Hello Mr. Emerick. Markus Bergmann here. I am listening to you over the internet, and I like your shows very much. I also want to commend you for the attention you give to the poison gas attacks and the napalm attacks committed by the Serenien armed forces. The world has to know that the Serenien government has blood on its hands, a fact it structurally denies. The governments of Auraria and Neustria must realise that they cooperate with sadist and narcissistic psychopaths. Something else, I am in the comfortable position that I don't need any stimulating agents apart from coffee, but I do like the Thaumantic Deep Sea Crystals. And now that we are at it, could you please ask Prof. Steinvasser to look at possible investments by Eiffelloretalian companies as well? Maybe Eiffelloretalian car engineers can help car brands from the West Engell Republic with making more robust and more reliable cars."
 

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"Hello, Mr. Emerick. Jean-Luc Marac here, from the Organisation Culturelle Occitaine. I want to thank you for your many items on the atrocities committed by the Serenien armed forces during last year's war. Indeed, Premier Martinique is a war criminal who finds lust in gassing and burning people. This cannot be said often enough. But that is not her only crime. Currently she is strangling Occitanian culture in the Protectorate of Occitania with her immigration policitcs. Could you please make an item on that as well? By the way, I can tell you that the Thaumantic Deep Sea Crystals are a huge success among the members of the Organisation Culturelle Occitaine."

Dale Emerick: "Listen Jean-Luc, I could sit here and call that Martinique woman a wicked witch, and I have already, and at a certain point I start to wonder why the Eiffello's or the Retalian's, or any of that Long Sea bunch let Occitania happen? I thank you for the call, JLM, and hope you enjoy the products, but let me tell you something - or let me tell the SRN listeners something: there won't be a peace treaty if you come after me and mine. Hell, if I were you Miss Martinique I'd have a man who knows something about something check, re-check, then check again the plane you are taking for your little tour.

That's not a threat, mind you, that's just thinking safely. Next caller?

"Hello Mr. Emerick. Markus Bergmann here. I am listening to you over the internet, and I like your shows very much. I also want to commend you for the attention you give to the poison gas attacks and the napalm attacks committed by the Serenien armed forces. The world has to know that the Serenien government has blood on its hands, a fact it structurally denies. The governments of Auraria and Neustria must realise that they cooperate with sadist and narcissistic psychopaths. Something else, I am in the comfortable position that I don't need any stimulating agents apart from coffee, but I do like the Thaumantic Deep Sea Crystals. And now that we are at it, could you please ask Prof. Steinvasser to look at possible investments by Eiffelloretalian companies as well? Maybe Eiffelloretalian car engineers can help car brands from the West Engell Republic with making more robust and more reliable cars."

Dale Emerick: "Mr. Bergmann, I am like an elephant, and not just in size, but I remember. I will remember the pictures of the dead children, the firebombed cities, and the gassed innocents. And if I ever forget, I encourage you to call in and remind me. You see, these Aurarians and Neustrians are afraid, and I think your Government is afraid too - else you wouldn't be calling up a West Engell Wildman, because you'd be manning a guardshift on the battlefront. There you'll need the coffee, and all the neutroceuticals you can get, heck some of those 3D printed hearts y'all are turning out these days.

So far as The Bruce, Professor Steinvasser, he's just another caller. I talk to him on the phone now from time to time, but if you happen to know someone in the car business you can always send me a test model . . you know, not computer controlled and without cut breaks, and I'd be happy to test out the beast out on the unpaved roads outside of this liberty bunker!"
 
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Rheinbund

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Markus Bergmann: "You are talking to the right person, Mr. Emerick. I am a Raimer dealer in Köln. I can provide you with the , an all-terrain-vehicle, but also with Raimer's pick-up truck, the , in the most beastlike version you want. Both the Morvan and the Grauspitz can handle the sandiest deserts of Azraq, the tropical swamps of Loago after a tropical rainstorm, the threethousander and fourthousander mountains of Northern Eiffelland and Retalia, and the icy north of Jyskerige-Østveg."
 

Elben

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Inside the cab of a tractor plowing for the spring crop

The farmer sat back in his chair, one hand resting on the wheel of the tractor, giving her just enough guidance to keep the row straight. As he listened to the first call, the farmer shook his head and wondered if he ought to buy some of that stuff.

The second call brought a chuckle as the man on the radio gave Martinque the what for. "Go git 'er, Dale!"

Then the third call was more of the same, but then the farmer frowned at the end. "What?" Then after Dale replied, the caller launched into a sales pitch and the farmer's confused frown turned into annoyance as he called to his radio, "Dale, cut that sumbitch off, he's selling his &*$#ing cars!"
 

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*He's a liberator to all, and master of none. It's Todd Goetzl, special host for Dale Emerick, the West Engell Wildman, broadcasting live from the Liberty Online Bunker in Engellachia!*

Theodore Goetzl:
"Greetings folks, what an honor it is to be down here in the Liberty Bunker Online, filling in for the legendary Dale Emerick who will be calling in any minute now from the field. I'd be remiss if I didn't remind y'all that Dale and this entire operation is under attack from foreign agents, and domestic terrorists. Now more than ever we need you logging on to Liberty.WER, that's Liberty.WER, to subscribe, donate, and buy the fine fine products we procure at great value and quality to listeners who want to enjoy the best, and fund the eternal struggle for liberty!

*SOUND OF MAN GASPING FOR AIR, RUNNING AND STRUGGLING TO HOLD ON TO PHONE*

Dale Emerick:
"Todd, I'm on the ground in Vesper! Running away from jackboot police on horseback, yahh yahh, they are shouting, cracking skulls, it's a warzone Todd!"

Theodore Goetzl: "Censored from the airwaves, what will these Serazinists do next?"

Dale Emerick: "I'm taking my shirt off, Todd. If I should die today, as a bleeding heart of the resistance to tyranny over humanity, let my children know: your Daddy died on his feet . . He didn't kneel or grovel to the Communists, to the Pedophile Grandmasters, or to the damn . . bloody . . GLOBALISTS!!! RAHHHHHH!!!"

*AD BREAK: 'I bet you didn't know that our bone broth was made from 98% Austwegian Moose, heh, well neither did I. I drink this stuff because it tastes like a McBonificius Chocolate Milkshake! Just so happens it contains benefits that defy aging, protects my joints, and aids digestion in my modern diet. This is the stuff of Cavemen, no, the stuff of Thaumanticans!"

Dale Emerick:
"Here I am, bullhorn in hand, shouting at the socialist lackeys Veronica North and Felix Ilchester sent to fight the forces of freedom. And you know what? I'm not afraid one bit, heh, this ain't nothing like an Imperial Austwegian Cavalrymen on horseback running you down with a damn cavalry sabre. Nope, no-siree this is child's play . . "

Theodore Goetzl: "Uhm, Dale - check your phone . . News is hitting out of Sylvania, some kinda . . Well you'll see!"

Dale Emerick: "Dodging piss bottles and bricks out here, but I'll take a look Todd . . Alright . . a pedophile child sacrifice cult uncovered in the heart of the Sylvanian wilderness, Felix Ilchester and Veronica North listed in dossier of attendees . . Sounds about right, well.

THE HELL DID I TELL YOU FOLKS? These people are VAMPIRES, they're AFTER YOUR KIDS! I don't see Snyder here, but I see Ellington! That's one without the other, but mark my words, that nasty twat is gonna writh and gnash her teeth if this true - and I know in my bones, my Engellachian bones of Engell blood and frontier grit that this true.

Ah hell, Todd. I see helicopters in the air now over Vesper! Ahhhh! Hope it's not the First Republic firebombers again, no . . no . . that's a fucking Heydendahl roto - one of your Eisgartswein, fuck you Todd - are they here to firebomb me?"

Theodore Goetzl: *clears throat* Negative Dale, they're there to fight the Communists same as you - uhm, probably?

Dale Emerick: "Well I'm forming a shield wall, not that I have a shield, but I would if I did. I'll tell you what, these Democratic Socialists are making their last stand in Westernesse, we've got them on the run.

I want to ask the patriot movement, those who are still listening after our mass censorship, to begin gathering in the grass roots. Tell your friends, call your cousins, form a militia; this is the what our grandfathers did and they turned back an Empire. Tell me we can't do it again! TELL ME, YOU TELL ME TODD!

Theodore Goetzl: "We can't do it again?"

Dale Emerick: "WE CAN DO IT ONCE AND FOR ALL! When I get back to the Liberty Bunker, mark my words, I'm gonna pour over the documents, gather the facts, and do the job the so-called journalists in Charleroi and Vesper refuse to do. I'm taking the fight to the socialist pedophiles, and I'm standing up for liberty, is that alright with you Todd? TODD? LET ME HEAR YOU SAY LIBERTY!?

Theodore Goetzl: "LIBERTYYY, LIBERTYYY, LIBERTYYY!!!"
 

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VESPER 24

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*CHANNEL OFF AIR FOR 12 MINUTES*


*VIDEO FEED RETURNS: rolling footage shows protesting socialists, children in Ostmark or Eisgarten forming queues in uniform, then Oligarch Karl Heydendahl smiling and waving from a balcony*

TYT

THE YOUNG THAUMANTICANS
'THE DAYS OF MISRULE ARE OVER'
YOUR HOSTS: Anna Marpesian & Chuck Weaver

A. Marpesian: "The state wastes, the state takes, the state must die! I'm no even sure why this up for debate, Chuck?

C. Weaver: "Folks are hung up with the fictional belief that some sky father or faraway emperor will come and save them, sorry to say folks, but that's bloody nonsense!"

A. Marpesian: "Quite right Charles, can we get to the headlines, or must we dwell on Fictional Philosophy?"

C. Weaver: "Edwin Grafton, Prime Minister of the Century, announces our allegiance to the Engellexian Pound. Oh, that feels nice doesn't it?"

A. Marpesian: "Money that means something, and a pile of commie bones stacked ten feet high, am I in heaven?

C. Weaver: "Are these people in Thaumanticans? I see them in the streets yelping about this and that, but listen: get a job folks, find a trade, make a family or bloody innovate!"

A. Marpesian: "I wouldn't fuck any of these Gallo-Germanian socio-impero losers, just being honest, but they disgust me! I look at Karl Heydendahl and his operators, or that Cussian Orton, I want to make their babies. Sorry everyone, this is a female imperative, who can protect my nest?"

C. Weaver: "Here with a headline: Prime Minister Edwin Grafton signs "Executive Orders to Quell Insurrection & Adjust Commodities", finally huh?

A. Marpesian: "Free market solutions, right? A bureaucratic circle-jerk army can't protect a country, look at Occitania, we are Thamanticans - a race beyond ethnicity, a species of ideas and ideals, who will go to the stars and ascend to personal godhood . . If we can band together, and we will - right Chuck?

C. Weaver: "When we look at the other Thaumanticans, blessed be thy kin, they are antique conservatives. I respect that, you respect that, but we ourselves - well - we want to own the world, don't we?"

A. Marpesian: "It's like one port at a time, right? Between the First Republic and Cussian Confederate Republic, they could suppress every port the world over twice, but why don't they? Weak politicians, right? I'm right, I'm right, I'm right. I don't want a politician watching my door, I'd rather trust a fucking dog!"

C. Weaver: "We are dealing with erosion of the community and emasculation of men by the State. I don't want to trust in some vague tax sucking statist to protect me, fuck that!"

A. Marpesian: "Precisely! Show me a man who cares about this stuff so much that he'll do it himself, not pay pennies on the pound for someone else to do it!"

C. Weaver: "That's Karl Heydendahl, Anna. He's getting his hands dirty and putting down these awful statists once and for all!"











 
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Thaumantica

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THE ENGELLACHIAN :: a bi-weekly periodical
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Karl Heydendahl is a Dictator Now
Author: Robert W. Concorde

I sit down beside a local reporter from Bearskull Junction, he wreaks of moonshine, cigarettes, and has what he promises is elk blood stains on the very hands he runs through his beard. "So what's the big deal here, Rob, why are you Vesplander's fagging up True Engellachia with your political nonsense today now?". As I struggle for my words the Neo-Republicans enter the Bearskull Lodge, a distinctly alternate venue from the pomp and finery of Vesper. One elderly Republican, dressed in the standard black coat, suit, and tie of the Neo-Republican walks up and points his cane at me: "Are you lost?" he asks. At this point I wonder if I am in some alternate reality, and when Eisgartmen Karl Heydendahl strolls into the room flanked by armed men without any distinct uniform at all I know that I am.

"Our enemies fall from the skies," Heydendahl reminds the Legislators, referring to former President of Sylvania Jillian Snyder, "or they die with their throats ripped out with a knife!" the Mercenary Baron declares referring to the violent deaths of Felix Ilchester (former Prime Minister of WER), and Veronica North (capital coup leader). "We are exterminating organized crime, and mutilating the merchants of misrule once and for all!" The Neo-Republicans, the True Engellachian next to me, and a woman breast feeding a child in front of me rise to their feet in cheers. I look around and realize I am the only one sitting, the Junction reporter pulls me up by my the scruff of my neck and I find myself clapping.

"We have the will, and we have the firepower to raise the hydra of Thaumantic Dominion over the West Engells and beyond . . yet . . " Karl Heydendahl complains, and now I notice he has locked eyes and is pointing at me. "These Antiquated Engells, and Metropolitan Dandies hold so-called legal reigns over the Engellachian Frontier . . HAH!" Heydendahl exclaims, and I sit back down shaking in fear as the Eisgartmen and Upper Engellachians, Kadiki's many of them I suspect, point and laugh in my direction angrily.

"The West Engell Republic has a problem, and gentleman I: Karl Heydendahl have a bloody solution!", cheers and clapping ring out again, and I notice that the empty seats around me are being packed with mine workers and school children - men and women armed with rifles shouting at them in an Ostmark dialect to hurry and sit down. "I stand now as Dictator of the Thaumantic Alignment Government with a combined armed force comprised of Thaumantic Blood and Thaumantic Pounds!"

"Raise three fingers to your heart now if you share my vision, as Dictator of the TAG, to end this era of misrule from predators against children, their blatant sabotage of Thaumantic evolution, and outright hatred for flourish by the grace of hard work and family values."

"I will be the Dictator of the Thaumantic Alignment," Karl reminds, and the Legislators and gallery predictably vomit with applause, I remain seated with my arms crossed. "This is not about money for me, I have enough now as many of you may have heard, and it's not about power - Engellachian leaders all die violently we know. This is about duty!"

I cannot hold myself in any longer, I stand up, "Herr Heydendahl!" a deep voice rumbles out of me that I did not know I possessed, "You are a Mercenary, an Eisgartman, you can't just roll in with rifles and helicopters and sweep two centuries of Engellexic democracy!"

"Well," the Dictator to be shrugs before coming down from his platform, walking across a filthy hall to reach out his hand to shake mine, I shake it begrudgingly, and he pulls me close and whispers in to my ear - and I can only hope you believe me as a man and journalist: "Go home to Vesper, and tell the world I'm a Dictator. That I'll sharpen Engellachia to be the tip of that Thaumantic spear, and if none other care to wield it - I will drive it through the heart of the Horizons!"
 

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THE ENGELLACHIAN
Heydendahl Continued
Author: Robert W. Concorde

Collecting my digital recorder and bag, I search for the exit and find it gladly, hoping to catch the first flight back to Vesper immediately. Bearskull Junction is a city that spends more months under snow than not, and not the white kind either - it is a miserable grey slush and sludge thrown about by pick-up trucks and snow-mobiles on special paths; only uninitiated fools such as I attempt to take the borderline frontier on foot.

Not a block, or row of single wide trailers away I am stopped in my tracks by a herd of reindeer being herded by aboriginals, mushing them on with Samoyed canines. An aboriginal child runs over and offers me a sliver of elk jerky, and I thankfully take and consume the morsel immediately. "Save it next time, might need it this winter yeah bud?" the thin eyed boy suggests, before trotting away with his all white coated dog.

Upper Engellachia and Bearskull Junction exists as the northern fringe of Thaumantic Dominion or Civilization, and as I duck the Heydendahl helicopters buzzing overhead I understand why he chose here and not Metropolitan Vesper to launch his bloody dictatorship. Vesper and Eisgarten are proud, as are the Upper Engellachians of Junction City, but these people up at the top of the world were born, will live, and expect to die in constant struggle. As I write I am embarrassed that I thought the months of rain in Vesper was a struggle, but in Bearskull the residents laugh at the winter of '86 where they never "peed through to green grass".

Close to the airport I am stopped again, this time by a mercenary operator of the expected HDS variety in unexpected garb: tan helmet, blue sunglasses, orange jacket, and white camouflage pants. "Sup'bud, where ya going?" the Sylvanian accented mercenary asks, "Home, you?" I challenge the man, a similar age I gauge of 25. "Nope, you and I are on to Eisgart. Any problems with that?" he asks. "Do I have a choice?" I protest. The Sylvanian pushes his sunglasses down at me and smiles, "Life's all about choices bud, let's say though, I think you should get in!". I nod, sigh, and kick my slush caked shoes at the edge of his truck before getting in. He turns of the music in the truck, 'Sultan of Swing' he tells me, and we perform a donut in the slush back towards the Bearskull Lodge of Legislators.

"Fuck, you need to see this," the Sylvanian shouts over the music - we are speeding I know, and skidding over the icy roads, if you can call them that, "Trudgereport.com - look at the headline!". I grab his phone and point at a group of kids rushing across on skis, he swerves and I pull the phone in closer, ' Vesper Iconoclast'. The truck screeches and slides to a stop, and Karl Heydendahl's awkward smile greets me through a fogged window, and he is already opening the door.

"Have you seen, Robert, I'm running away with their gods!" Karl Heydendahl rejoices, "that's us toppling their monument to the founding father, Wilbur Rydell, cut at his ankles and lifted away by a helicopter!" The Ostmark-Eisgartische around him fail to react, but the Sylvanian joins me in a shocking "Why?"

"Until they can embody Rydell, who went on a decades long odyssey of will towards independence, why do they deserve his shadow?" Karl asks, and I think honestly, "or behold, we remove the spotlight to the sky eyes of Vesper's totem - the golden eagle, and chisel down its wings. I'll return that god when I have a hundred thousand airmen from Vespland willing to kamikaze bomb the Anti-State's lesser hamlets."
 

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*A towering pine seeded by patriots and watered with the blood of tyrants: He's Dale Emerick, the West Engell Wildman, broadcasting live from the Liberty Online Bunker in Engellachia!*

Dale Emerick:
“Y’know, the hard working and wonderful staff I have are in the other rooms here in the liberty bunker smiling, celebrating, and relishing the news that socialist child murderers and rape traffickers are dead, and that we are back on the air in Sylvania and Vesper; breaking through the enemy censorship and tooting the bugle for human liberty from the northern reaches all the way down to the lower Natal.

And hell those boys in Sylvania, heroes and patriots, sure struck a major blow to a private or secret society that manifested itself as a dark tentacle reaching through the aether, grabbing at and sucking the life out of our most precious resource: children. But ya see: I’m not tipping back a beer right now with my staff, or all of you fine fine folks getting off from work right now, because I still feel that Kraken’s dark life force in my primitive primordial brain somewhere deep where my ancestors, your ancestors, our ancestors waged war with prehistoric beasts from beyond our comprehension. The Patriot movement has severed but one of his necromantic-tentacles; but there are many left, it’s black evil eye gazing upon us with vengeance, and his sharp beak of a mouth quivering with a raging hunger!

Rrrrhhhsssseeawwrrrrahhhh!

Kinda like that, and maybe that’s just a metaphor, but the enemy: liberals, Socialists, and dare I say . . Dictator tyrants represent a corporeal threat, as they embody the metaphysical dark heart of this murderous Kraken. And see, Heydendahl’s little red tart came up here to offer me a show on Vesper24, if only I’d shill for her boss and throw my cohort, the true populist architects of the Thaumantic future, in to the kraken’s grip for a few bars of silver and gold!

Ya’see, Karl Heydendahl is no more and no less than a Robber Baron who’s taken a castle someone else built, and dares claim he has the right to govern by force because he has some useless charters and documents signed by extorted criminals, AKA Republican politicians. But you see, I don’t do this for money, that’s the easy stuff - I could make a billion a billon ways. And maybe that’s what makes Karl Heydendahl my perfect enemy, politically and metaphysically, because he’s not in this for the money either, he’s a damn billionaire twice over and seems to put it all into his company, and like me he’s all about forging a legacy born out of deeds. I respect that in spirit, but in practice? Buddy, you’re running against two centuries of democracy, a well armed militia movement ready to muster for freedom - not mercenary Thaumantic pound funny money!

You serve your god Karl, and I know you have a damn dark one despite claiming your some classical Engell Atheist, and I’ll serve mine: my family, free from your dictatorship, guns in our hands, great blue open skies without your black helicopters descending to rob your enemies of life and treasure. I’ve got documents too, y’all! This one reads “Heydendahl Defense Solutions murders Vesper Chief of Police”, or this one: “Ten Ostmarkian oligarchs rounded up in the night and returned to Syndicalist Dictator”! That’s just some inside baseball, won’t hear that anywhere else; tomorrow’s news today, liberty online and over the airwaves baby! Woo!

*”We’ve lost a lot of money since being kicked off the air by those socialist tyrants, but now unelected dictators are here and seem to want to keep us on the air for awhile. Anyways, we are introducing Beet-Tyranny, a superfood powder that you simply add water and drink to activate super circulation and heart health. This is the best stuff on the market, real organic compounds, private labeled and sent to you now at 45% off - a special introductory price - don’t forget to select auto ship at checkout!”*

Dale Emerick: “Back again, and this time with a beer. My producer Todd said I need to relax and celebrate our victories of the socialist globalists - but yeah, why don’t you come in here Todd and explain how I, the most listened to host in Westernesse, and I’m not bragging, need to listen to you?”

Theodore Goetzl:
“Dale, I just think we - Heydendahl and you - are on the same side. We could be allies and have a friendship . .”

Dale Emerick:
“NOOOO! Allies? We are ENEMIES! Friendship? I’m the admiral of a WARSHIP! Do you understand me Todd?

Theodore Goetzl:
“I just think you should maybe . .”

Dale Emerick:
“I think I should accept President Breckinridge’s invitation to visit him in Sylvania, because ya’see he reached out personally, not through some agent provocateur like you and the red haired lady, and I know who you work for Todd. It may be me on paper, but you serve another in the shadows - I can feel it, and I can smell it too! Smells like sulphur and death that no amount of washin’ or cheap cologne can conceal. Look in to my eyes Todd, and tell me you ain’t a dead eyed shark who serves the Kraken or some other ancient foe!

Theodore Goetzl:
“Dale I’m a Thaumantican the same as you!”

Dale Emerick:
“I believe you not, Theodore. I can see it in your eyes, and that’s why I’ll fly south to Sylvania, to look into his working eye, the other stolen by a soulless socialist, and I’ll know which life force he serves. Be that of light and the Thaumantic Frontier, a flaming passion for humanity. Or the dark abyss for which you toil and wish to enslave me, Todd you sauerkraut son of a bitch. Get out of my studio! Get off of my property immediately!
 

Elben

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For the next time Dale takes calls.

"Hallo, Dale! Welcome back! Thanks for takin' my call today. I just wanted to let you know I suspected Todd all along, that little scumbag piece of &%$*. Pardon my Frankish there but it's the little baby rapers like that who we gotta clean out an' never let back in. When you get in there and meet Breckinridge, you let 'im know we're all behind 'im an' ev'ry lover of liberdy out there. Go get 'em, Dale!"
 

The Federation

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Hey Dale, calling east of the grizzlies here in West Sylvania. Glad to see you are coming down to see us, maybe you'll visit us over on the west side if you got the time. That Breckenridge has done right by us so far, but we still gotta stay on alert lest he stray! Anywho, ever notice that a lot of the people getting arrested in Sylvania are... you know... a little Hebraic? If it isn't them, then its some Germanian. With that Heydendahl fella taking charge i'm afraid the same might be happening in Engellachia. I gotta go now, stay strong brother!
 

Natal

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"Hi Dale, my name is Jaak Raud and I call from still northern but faraway Virumaa. I know things are hot now in Engellachia with Heydendahl taking over and in Sylvania with the abominations done by Jillian Snyder, but I want you and all your listeners to know, that me and my mates from the "Equal under the Law" NGO now want to start a world wide movement to sue tyrants for libel and slander against the peoples of Europe. We have started our action first against the Justosian Royal Family, for continuously calling the citizens "commoners" and worse, "commoner dogs". We know we can't really do much against them from this far away, but we want to put pressure on them and convince states to make them persona non grata. We hope that you can broadcast about our fight against tyranny too and that we hope that our brothers from all over Europe stand their ground against oppression!"
 

Beautancus

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"Hi Mr. Emerick, my name is Elena Invernesse, I'm 15 and I'm calling from Oak Ridge, down in Clarendon. In Beautancus.

I listen to you with my Dad at night on the rebroadcast, while he delivers papers on our route. I sleep most of the time, but he wakes me up so I can listen to you with him. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having to leave Engellachia.

I looked it up, and the pictures make it seem real pretty, not as pretty as it is here...I just wish you and that new man could get along better, Mr. Heindoll or whatever. The First Citizen says we should give him a chance, but that we should be watchful. Maybe you shouldn't leave, y'know, so you can keep a better eye on him?

Anyway, that's all what I wanted to say this time. Daddy and I will keep listening to you no matter where you are!"
 

Thaumantica

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For the next time Dale takes calls.

"Hallo, Dale! Welcome back! Thanks for takin' my call today. I just wanted to let you know I suspected Todd all along, that little scumbag piece of &%$*.

Dale Emerick: “Theodore Goetzl but has only begun to feel the wrath of the Patriot Movement. I hope you fictionals pray for him tonight, because he and his ilk are gonna need it.

... you know... a little Hebraic? If it isn't them, then its some Germanian. With that Heydendahl fella taking charge i'm afraid the same might be happening in Engellachia. I gotta go now, stay strong brother!


Dale Emerick: “Listen brother, I’m not against other races like some of you out there. Anyone can be a Thaumantican so long as they wanna uphold our human rights of speech, self defense, and want to go to the stars. Does Heydendahl check some of those boxes? Sure. But he must prove himself as he will be judged on the merit of his individual acumen and ability, not judged out of the gate for being some sort of crypto-Ostmarkian technocrat . . Which he is acting like, but is not necessarily for the content of his DNA, but rather the content of his over extending pompous character.

I want every human under the sun on our side, fighting for liberty and paying forward the gift given to us by our ancestors into the future. Sure most of them are wrought by Engellkind, freedom loving warrior folk, but you need not share my skin color to apply. Does that make sense?

"Hi Dale, my name is Jaak Raud and I call from still northern but faraway Virumaa. I know things are hot now in Engellachia with Heydendahl taking over and in Sylvania with the abominations done by Jillian Snyder, but I want you and all your listeners to know, that me and my mates from the "Equal under the Law" NGO now want to start a world wide movement to sue tyrants for libel and slander against the peoples of Europe. We have started our action first against the Justosian Royal Family, for continuously calling the citizens "commoners" and worse, "commoner dogs". We know we can't really do much against them from this far away, but we want to put pressure on them and convince states to make them persona non grata. We hope that you can broadcast about our fight against tyranny too and that we hope that our brothers from all over Europe stand their ground against oppression!"

Dale Emerick: “Well Mister Jaak daddy I’ll tell you what: I like where your head and heart are, and I’d like to have you on again to discuss your battle plans upon the legal plateau. I wanna be clear though and say I won’t support any and all campaigns when they might run up against the accused’s freedom of speech as a human.

The Justosian Royal Family are certifiable lunatics and basket cases, but y’know when a tyrant like him calls me a “commoner dog”, or whatever, I simply grin and agree because the thing about dogs is that they have the common sense of loyalty and duty, but if you strike the wrong hound dog with your hand - he’ll bite that sucker clean off one day. Hell they can call me a pig if they want, but you know - I’m like a wild pig that could gore you with my tusks . . Politically of course.

"Hi Mr. Emerick, my name is Elena Invernesse, I'm 15 and I'm calling from Oak Ridge, down in Clarendon. In Beautancus.

I listen to you with my Dad at night on the rebroadcast, while he delivers papers on our route. I sleep most of the time, but he wakes me up so I can listen to you with him. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're having to leave Engellachia.

I looked it up, and the pictures make it seem real pretty, not as pretty as it is here...I just wish you and that new man could get along better, Mr. Heindoll or whatever. The First Citizen says we should give him a chance, but that we should be watchful. Maybe you shouldn't leave, y'know, so you can keep a better eye on him?

Anyway, that's all what I wanted to say this time. Daddy and I will keep listening to you no matter where you are!"

Dale Emerick: “Thanks for calling Miss Invernesse, you sound like a charming young Cussian with a bright future. I want only for kids to listen to their parents, and if their parents listen to me then all the better.

But let me be clear: I’m going for a visit to Charleroi to shake President Breckinridge’s hand, look him square in the eye, and to gauge his enthusiasm for the liberty movement. I was offered this opportunity because the Sylvanian President recognizes my value on the political chessboard, and I’m not so naive as not to know he may want to manipulate my influence in the political commentary battle space.

I’ve been offered a lot of invitations, accolades, and offers of payment over the last year. But you know what none of that matters when I consider my own children and their future, because what will an honorary medal or a trip to an exotic location outside of an Engellachian trailer park matter when my kids and their grandkids consider whether I sold out my values and character to the technocracy, or stood up to their evil and fought for Thaumantic liberty at home and on the horizons. I sell products that I use myself, that’s what keeps this operation independent and alive, not any leader’s gifts or winks of approval.

I hope that clarifies that, and if you’re still listening sweetheart I want to very quickly warn you - and it’s something I need to better research and expand upon in a future program - but the dangers of social media for children and young adults. I’m practically a fossil, but when my kids, one of’em about your age, run up with their iBone and show me what’s on that Twatter, or patriots forbid the Circle platform . . Well let’s just say these abhorrent creatures are lucky they’re hiding behind a sock or avatar, whatever you call it - because I’m on here every day speaking under my own name, using my own face! Some of the sadistic shenanigans and predatory perverts operating on these social media junk sites are what our kids like you and mine in the vampiric human trafficking racket we have but only begun to uncover!”
 

Thaumantica

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TYT
THE YOUNG THAUMANTICANS
'THE DAYS OF MISRULE ARE OVER'
YOUR HOSTS: Anna Marpesian & Chuck Weaver
*A well lit studio showcases Anna Marpesian in a blue dress, and Chuck Weaver in a suit coat and jeans, they are chatting with each other over a glass desk as intro music blares . . . *

Anna Marpesian: "Refreshing isn't it, Chuck?"

Chuck Weaver: "What, all's silent on the Justo-Implarian Front Nationale?"

AM: "Hahah - no! A Dictator in Vesper. I love it, absolutely love it, I think Mr. Heydendahl was so damn handsome walking down the stairs of his company jet, I mean wow!"

CW: "And did you see that worm of a reporter, can't even remember the creep's name, from 'The Engellachian'?"

AM: "Disgusting! Ugh no, I can't even look at Rob Concorde. Rod Cumlord, sheesh! I wanna get back to our Dictator though, Mr. Heydendahl is in Vesper tonight and is going to be meeting with a whole host of traitors . . police, politicians, cabaret owners. He's assembling them at City Hall and we . . yes we are getting footage of that now, let's cut to it!"

*Karl Heydendahl is followed by a camera over his shoulder to a room full of men and women of varying ages and dress, all staring with uncertainty at the young dictator*

Karl Heydendahl: "Sit down if you think you deserve the rest, the Thaumantic Domain is watching!"

*Only a few sit with smug smiles or angrily crossed arms*

KH: "If any of you valued you this city, this country, or your precious Engellkind I wouldn't be here right now, would I? Nein. Just as in your precious revolution, which wasn't even for Engellachia but Sylvania, right? Your preponderance of camp whore drama, hyper-ideological suicide antics, and mismanagement of money required the help of Osmarkian Mercenaries to turn the tide?

*Across the broad gold table one a sitting police colonel climbs to his feet and points angrily at Heydendahl*

Colonel Bower: "No one gave you the right to -

Karl Heydendahl: "It is estimated one in ten Vesper girls and women have sold their body for Engellmarks, do any of you disagree?

Of course not, because each of you here today are on the take. Colonel Bower, you collect on a protection racket for Alderman Reeves standing to your right, and his counterpart the Child Services Worker Miss Aberlyn sources boys and girls from orphans run by Mrs. Newton. Does that all sound right?

Some of these children were in Sylvania last month, when a child sex cult was disrupted in the act of defilement and sacrifice . . Others were imported from Himyar on stench ridden shipping containers, Longshoreman Jackson sitting down to your left helped cover up the Engellpox Crisis by testifying that he was being bullied by your police officers and government officials to take bribes from alleged First Republic embassy officials.

You are vultures, rats, cockroaches, parasites, and you dare hate me for an accent and funny sounding name? In Kadikistan they hung their traitors in the public square of brothers today, what should we do with you? Commodity? Oh dear that's illegal in this country, and I am a legally appointed dictator that wouldn't dare violate the law, so no, the letter of the law states that traitors are sent to the arctic Penal Colonies. Whitefox anyone?"

*Mrs. Newton passes out and bounces off the carpet as if clubbed dead like a seal*

KH: "In the penal colonies they like to say: "You are nothing, no one, you are less than an animal, no - you are a robot!" That may ring a bell for our agents across the world too, but I am here to re-align this country away from its dark and sadistic path. You folks deserve to die with it on the frozen fringe, but Vesper? Legendary painters left their galleries to this city that now trades in Natalian soap dramas and porno flicks. The athletes moonlight as male dancers, and your teachers collect income as strippers. This is a dirty rotten city that defecates on its hopeful name, Vestefjor! You Engells took it from the Great Northern Empire, and now what? Dumpster fire riots and police canine crucifixion?

Your reign is over. I have outgunned you after you fought each other, Pioneers and Socialists, over the scraps of what your ancestors forged for you. If any of this is hard for Engellachians to hear, I am truly sorry, but Eisgart has watched on silently until our own children were robbed, raped, and murdered into this scheme.

'Charlotte Vogt' was eleven years old when Child Protective Services took her into custody for discussing 'Martin Lindvall' at a public school. She was transferred to Vesper, as all Fictional Children are, and then disappeared into your bureacracy . . Yesterday I spoke with President Breckenridge of Sylvania, and he informed me she was found in a pedophile mansion hanging by her ankles naked, exsanguinated by a cut to the throat, her DNA found on the mouths and genitalia of likewise deceased cult members.

*Heydendahl pounds his fit on the table as his mercenaries encircle the malificient Vesplanders*

KH: "You degenerates will die in the penal colonies you created, others will die in the commodity they created, and me? A bullet to the head, poison in my coffee, or a stab in the back I'm sure. But so long as I live and dictate this country that I love, I will remind its detractors of Lotte Vogt with purple feet hanging in a dark chamber!

Were the vigilantes who struck down these cultist pedophiles elected? Certainly not. If a man is armed and capable, he will exact justice or crime in the same damn way. Our friends in Clarenthia and elsewhere who criticize this power only question why the critarchy or revenue collectors haven't found a way to collect a tribute.

Thaumanticans, if you are still with us at home, I promise you our next meeting will not be so sanguine. Ladies and Gentleman, good night!"


 

Thaumantica

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EXAMINER
'Striking ink before lead since 1919’
Attack.wer Program a Net Gain

Introduced by Prime Minister Edwin Grafton early this year, the so called “tech gamble” of investing most domestic military funds into training troops to program and gain experience with computer hardware is being touted as a national victory. Grafton admits that it was foreign subsidy and stimulus of defense funds and hardware, that reportedly saved the Combined Armed Forces from a collapse of traditional military capability on the linear battlefield. Today the CAF claims that they are capable of “waging and winning a non-linear multi-generation war”. Fringe aspects of the program are rumored to include offensive cyber attacks, and seeding stay-behind networks within and outside the West Engell Republic to survive traditional military defeat.

Rise of the Sherarchy?

The West Engell Sheriffs Association is holding their annual conference in Bearskull Junction, Upper Engellachia State this weekend with three major agenda points: 1. Did Heydendahl Defense Solutions break domestic law when selling Sylvanian Outlaw Jillian Snyder into Cussian Commodity? 2. Will all counties comply with Dictator orders to press criminals into Commodity? 3. Will WESA elect and assert its own arbiter to challenge the Alignment Committee’s economic and pseudo-political stranglehold on the nation. The position of Sheriff is the oldest existing government institution in Engellachia, surviving several wider government collapses, and serving as perhaps the most important democratically selected position on a regional basis.
Filling Clouds With Thaumantic Pounds

Economic Advisor for the Thaumantic Alignment Committee Bruce Steinvasser revealed his vision of a “cashless digital marketplace” on Friday afternoon, proposing the capital city and island of Vesper, Vestefjor State as a laboratory for his ambitious plan. Starting with mandatory credit and debit card capability for all merchants and buyers by 2020, the currency digitalization program hopes to convert more merchants and consumers to cellular wallets by 2021 using secure iBone technology. Transitional tax incentives are planned to be offered for early adopters of the program, with legal sunset of the Engellmark tendered scheduled for later this year.



 
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