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FREIKORPSFEST 2024: THE HANGOVER TO END ALL HANGOVERS
"WOOOOOO HAPPY 1989," said Mayor Hans Rutter minutes before collapsing.
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By Heinrich Obenaus
LUDWIGSTADT AM SEE (Ostmark) – Once again, it’s time for Ludwigstadt’s annual “Freikorpsfest,” where locals and tourists gather to honor Ostmark’s proud traditions of beer, bratwurst, goose-stepping and questionable life choices. This year’s festival was bigger, bolder, and more beer-soaked than ever before. If you thought last year’s mayhem was hard to top—well, you obviously haven’t met the people of Ludwigstadt.
Mayor Hans Rutter kicked off the festival with his famous battle cry: “We drink because we have to,” which was met with roaring cheers (and the sound of several beer mugs clinking violently). For the next 48 hours, Ludwigstadt transformed into a chaotic carnival of lager-induced shenanigans, where sobriety was a distant memory, and everyone’s livers were held hostage.
The Freikorps Parade, the main event and the pride of Ludwigstadt, was once again the highlight. This year, as the Free Corps goose-stepped down the cobblestone streets with military precision (well, sort of), several over-enthusiastic participants tripped over their own feet. One poor fellow fell so hard mid-step that even the band couldn’t keep from cracking up, and the trombone player may or may not have spat out his mouthpiece. It wasn’t clear whether the applause was for the impeccable formation or the impressively clumsy faceplants.
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The legendary beer-drinking contest returned, and once again, it did not disappoint—or maybe it did, depending on how you feel about watching people collapse in a pool of their own sweat and hops. This year’s reigning champion, Franz (yes, he’s back from the hospital after last year’s 20-liter debacle), attempted to break his own record. He didn’t quite make it to 20 liters this time, but 18 liters in 2.5 hours was enough to declare him victorious. When asked how he felt after the feat, Franz responded, “I don’t know, I can’t feel anything.” Paramedics stood by, looking both amused and concerned, as Franz was wheeled off to what is now his reserved hospital room, where a doctor could be heard muttering, “We probably need to stop encouraging this.”
Ah yes, the Keg Roll—where participants race to roll an empty keg down the town’s famous hill. Simple, right? Wrong. This year’s winner, Anna, managed to stop her keg mere centimeters from the finish line, a feat met with thunderous applause and quite a bit of drunken hollering. However, her rival, Karl, was less successful. After accidentally hopping onto the keg himself, he disappeared down the hill and was last seen tumbling into the nearby forest. For the second year in a row. The local fire department has made it a yearly tradition to “rescue Karl,” and this year was no different. “We just assume we’ll be called at some point,” said a firefighter, already sweating in his gear. “It’s tradition.”
Of course, no Freikorpsfest would be complete without the food! Bratwurst stands lined the streets, with the smell of grilled meat wafting through the air—mixing perfectly with, you guessed it, more beer. If you could still walk straight (congrats, by the way), you could also enjoy the traditional schnitzels, pretzels, and other local delicacies. However, the trick was actually getting to the food without stumbling over the various beer mugs that had been “accidentally” spilled by over-excited festival-goers. One vendor, after watching a third bratwurst hit the ground, threw up his hands and yelled, “Well, that’s three more for the birds!” The crowd cheered, apparently deciding that the birds deserved a festival feast too.
By the end of the festival, Ludwigstadt had earned its rightful place as the capital of hangovers. “We survived!” Mayor Hans Rutter exclaimed, looking a little worse for wear himself. Local bars ran out of supplies as the festival neared its conclusion, and you could hear people comparing headache remedies as if they were trading secret family recipes. “Freikorpsfest is a glorious, drunken mess,” said one attendee. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, I can’t feel my legs, but the spirit of Ludwigstadt lives on!”
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Despite the chaos, hangovers, and occasional injuries, Freikorpsfest remains Ludwigstadt’s most cherished tradition. “This festival is about our heritage,” said Mayor Rutter. “And also about proving we can drink more than the rest of the planet. It’s a win-win.” So, as the cleanup crews worked their way through the debris of beer mugs, bratwursts, and broken pride, one thing was clear: the Freikorpsfest would return next year, bigger, better, and probably with Karl still lost in the woods.
Until then, the people of Ludwigstadt will rest, recuperate, and prepare their livers for the next round. Prost!
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