120 Minuten

[Remuria]

The 120 Minuten is a liberal minded and anti-militarist media group in Wendmark. It is famous for its tabloid that is published on a daily basis, but also has a nation-wide radio station. The group also makes video reports to broadcast over its Internet site. The 120 Minuten often criticises both the national and the foreign governments, deliberately adopting a satirical attitude and exaggerating facts on purpose. Many reports are outright parodies of the issues discussed. Due to this, the exact content of their articles and reports is not to be taken seriously, but the attentive reader or listener shall always be able to catch the critical ideas behind the mockery. The group also deliberately shuns political correctness and is often seen as outright provocative on many subjects.

 

[Remuria]

Radio 120 Minuten

Report from Ison

«The Gruppe für ein Wendmark mit eine Berufsarmee has launched a new initiative to reform the existing service modalities in Wendmark in favour of a fully professional army. According to current opinion polls, the free Saxons are bound to reject the initiative. But we do ask ourselves the question on whether Wendmark would fare better with professional troops only. Our own reporter, Evelyne Künzler, has visited the Waffenplatz Ison, where the mountain grenadiers, who are conscripts having volunteered for such assignment, are trained.»

***Radio title music plays, and then switches to a female voice.***

Reporter: «We are at the Waffenplatz Ison, in the middle of the peaceful valley of Isontal. It is here that the mountain grenadiers, what many consider as the elite of the Wendmarker army, are trained. Captain Schlumpf...»

Capitan: «HIER!»

Rep: «You are the commander of the third company, right?»

Cpt: «GENAU! GREN RS ZWANZIK KHOMPANIE DRÜ!» (Correct! Grenadier Recruit School 20, Company 3.)

Rep: «You do speak loud... allow me to lower the microphone volume a bit...»

Cpt: «Ja ja!»

Rep: «Good. It is nearly five o'clock in the morning and I have been authorised to follow a typical training day at the grenadier school.»

Cpt: «Jawohl! Now you can follow Hauptfeldweibel Unterhosen...»

Hauptfeldweibel: «HIER!»

Cpt: «... he will sound the Tagwache, oder!»

Hptfw: «VERSTANDE! Journalist, after me zum Khaserne in loofstritt MARSCH!»

***Sound of combat boots on the tarmac as somebody runs away. The reporter is heard running after the soldier, breathing heavily.***

Rep: «I am running! I am running! Ooooof... no so fast!»

***Sound of the wake up trumpet.***

Hptfw: «TAGWACHE! UFSTA! HAU-FAU ZA MINUTTÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ!» ("Wake up time! Get up! Morning call in ten minutes!")

***Sounds of soldiers waking up and putting on their uniforms and preparing their gear.***

Rep: «Euh.. mister?»

Soldier1: «HIER!»

Rep: «What is your name?»

Sdt1: «REKHRUT WIGLI.»

Rep: «Euh... you can speak normally. Why have you chosen to be in the grenadiers? After all, it is a volunteer assigment... »

Sdt1: «I'm not wussy Sanitärsoldat, oder! In my service, alli musch like real Khrieg sein, oder!»

Rep: «I see. What do you think of the idea of a fully professional army for Wendmark?»

Sdt1: «Ich finde this idea tip top, oder! Less wuss in Armee, better gsii, oder! After Rekrutschule, I sign contract, eh. But now, ich muss loofä, eh, run, eh or then I have to run one hundred mal around d'Khaserne pulling a DURO.»

Rep: «DURO?»

Sdt1: «Ja ja, d'isch militär truck that can transport eighteen lüüt. Aber we never ride inside, eh, we just pull them around d'Khaserne, oder. But now ich muss loofä, sorry!»

***A silent pause.***

Rep: «Five o'clock, morning call.»

Hptfw: «KHOMPANIE... ACHHHHT!»

***Sound of soldiers snapping to attention.***

Hptfw: «Grenkhompanie drü! Bestand: hundärd zwolf! Anwesend: hundärd nüün! Eis Mann krank, eis Mann urlaub, eis Mann tot!» (Grenadier company three. Personnel total: 112. Present: 109. One man ill, one man on vacation, one man dead.)

Cpt: «Ruhn, gebä Sie ruhn!» (At ease. Order at ease!)

Hptfw: «KHOMPANIE... RUUUHN!» (Company! At ease!)

Cpt: «Khompanie, guetti Morgä!» (Company, good morning!)

Soldiers: «MORGÄ!»

Cpt: «Hüüt beginnt d'Übung El Pesto...»

Translator voiceover: «Today begins the exercise El Pesto. Each man shall carry a cow to the top of the mountain in fifteen minutes. Once on top, each man shall fire a thousand shots. Those who place more than ten shots out of the target shall repel down the cliff with two cows on the back to return to the barracks.»

Cpt «... und kein Usgang für drü Wochä!»

Translator voiceover: «And they shall be forbidden from goings out to town for three weeks.»

Cpt: «Isch d'Verstande?»

Soldiers: «VERSTANDE!»

Cpt: «Zugfuhrä, Zug ubernehmä!»

Lieutenants: «VERSTANDE!»

Lt1: «Zug Ambos daher!»

Lt2: «Zug Bivio daher!»

Lt3: «Zug Canale daher!»

***Sound of soldiers forming up platoon by platoon.***

Rep: «Captain Schlumpf?»

Cpt: «HIER!»

Rep: «That appears to be a rather dangerous exercise for conscripts, don't you think.»

Cpt: «Naie, naie. D'isch nothing. Now, when I became Zeitsmilitär, we have Übung Terminator.»

Rep: «Übung Terminator?»

Cpt: «Ja ja. Di Soldaten mussä run barrfuss drü hundred khilomittär, eh. Then mussä schwimmä fifty khilomittär in river, eh, und danach crawl twenty khilomittär in barbed wire with offen Granate in mouth, oder! All this less than siebbä hours, eh. Those who fail wash toilets for zwo Wochä.»

Rep: «And those who succeed?»

Cpt: «They are not punished.»

Rep: «Ah. But you said Barrfuss... this means bare feet, yes?»

Cpt: «Ja ja.»

Rep: «Sounds dangerous. And this is the usual training for professional soldiers?»

Cpt: «Ja ja. Now, ich muss go to helicopter for surveillance Übung, oder!»

Rep: «Can I come?»

Cpt: «Ja ja! Journalist, after me zum helicopt, loofstritt MARSCH!»

***Sound of combat boots on the tarmac as somebody runs away. The reporter is heard running after the officer, breathing heavily and asking the officer to run slower.***

Rep: «Wait, Captain! Slower!»

Cpt: «LOS LOS LOS!»

Rep: «Oh for the sake of...»

***The sound fades into one of a helicopter in flight, with the sound of the engine and rotors clearly audible.***

Rep: «We are flying over a hundred or so men, each running with a cow on his back.»

Cpt: «Ja!»

Rep: «And... oh! One of them fell down!»

Cpt: «Ah, yes. Aie, aie, aie! KOPFERDAMMINÄ MANN! KÜHL RUCKNEHMÄ LOS LOS LOS! DU BISH NEUT EINE HOOSFRAU, DU BISCH GRENADIEEEEER! ÜSFUHR MARSCH! » (Head be damned, man! Put the cow on the back, go go go! You're not some house wife, you're a grenadier! Execute orders now!)

Rep: «You show no pity to your men!»

Cpt: «Hierr isch not holiday camp, eh. Di Soldaten sind alli Grenadiiiierä!»

Rep: «But Captain Schlumpf...»

Cpt: «HIER!»

Rep: «Oh for the sake of... Captain Schlumpf I have to...»

Cpt: «HIER!»

Rep: «Oh stop that! I wanted to ask you what did you do before becoming a career officer.»

Cpt:«I was khontroller at the Gilswillinie.»

Rep: «The Gilswil public transports company?»

Cpt: «Jawohl.»

Rep: «Oh, of course! Not everyone can become a professional serviceman of the Wendmarker Army.»

Cpt: «Ja ja. You broochä authority und teamspirit, oder!»

Rep: «I see. And it is thanks to professional soldiers like you that Wendmark should be well defended against any enemy.»

Cpt: «Sicher, ja ja!»

Rep: «Yep. Well, it was Evelyne Künzler from the Waffenplatz Ison, with Captain Schlumpf...»

Cpt: «HIER!»

Rep: «AAAAH!.. For Radio hundred and twenty minutes, signing off!»

***The sound of the helicopter fades into silence as the captain is heard yelling orders to his men below.***

OOC Disclaimer: kudos goes to the original 120 Minutes for the original idea, which was reworked to fit with the given NSEurope IC subject.

 

[Remuria]

120 Minuten
Bloggers' Corner

Freiheit Collapses Into LOLWAR

by Kristine Gigli

The country of Freiheit has decided that Europe was far too a boring place to live. After all, there is no war in Jizhou between over nine thousand local militias and the Oikawan Imperial Army, with soldiers on both sides mixing firearms skill and karate gimmicks for the delight of news reports viewers the world over. There is no marital dispute between Franken, who's hanging out with Gallian chicks, and Tyskreich who is all jealous and recently found a new long term relationship. The list can go on and on.

Freiheit has been building up the tensions recently with its confused nuclear program, which finally ended up in the hands of the Kievan-Novgorodians. With nuclear stockpiles secure, the various interest groups in Freiheit breathed a collective sigh of relief and, safe in their knowledge that their descendancy is not threatened by nuclear armageddon, have taken up arms and gone off to war with each other in the name of LOL.

It all began when some Otchi people decided to finally declare independence after years of opression and molestation by Catholic Freiheiter priests. Armed with slingshots and wearing metal buckets on their heads, crowds of angry Otchi kids took over control of entire cities in Freiheit, imposing the Law of the Carousel.

This did not please the Freie Krafte. This group of angsty frustrated teenage boys, clad into black and glorifying White Powa, took it upon themselves to restore some Ordnung to the Vaterland. This group has apparently managed to lure over a chunk of Freiheit's military, so they are actually armed with real weapons.

In the middle of it all is stuck president Hoffman, who succesfully steered the wreck that was his country onto the reefs of anarchy. Dear President, you sank your own battleship.

As we are reading the morning story, people are dying in Freiheit in one of Europe's most senseless and surrealist civil wars ever. The speed with which the country collapsed into disorder and the senseless platforms of the interest groups at play do make one wonder: rly:

 

[Fulanistan]

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The Foreign Affairs Council is confused as to the actual purpose of such civil wars, and we are worried that they will pointlessly harm civilians.

 

[Remuria]

120 Minuten

School children organise cookie sale to aid Batavia

The children at the only primary school in the village of Ruschein launched a world-changing initiative, or so they hope. Kids apparently came up with the idea because info bulletins were overlapping with cartoons being showed on another channel. And with Batavia making regular headlines with countries lining up to offer aid to the embattered republic, some children have logically concluded that if there was nothing interesting on the info bulletins, then their parents would let them watch their cartoons. And so kids have teamed up with their parents to organise a sale of sweets and other cookies in their village. All proceeds from the event are to be sent as aid to the Batavian Republic.

"Parents have baked cookies and cakes, it's marvellous what the children came up with," said Erina Scheppli, teacher of the 5th grade at the school. "We're all having fun! And whilst we adults understand fully well that this won't really help, it's great to see our little ones already take position on world issues! Even if I do admit that the original motivation is somewhat still child-centric."​

The event has attracted visitors from other villages of the Madaranertal valley, but not only. Some people came from as far as Sargans to witness the event, which also attracted its share of media attention from local media outlets. The money was handed over in cash to Roald van der Geek, a representative of the Batavian embassy invited for the event. Mister van der Geek, a diplomat with the Batavian legation in Einsiedeln, gave a conference at the village hall and made a speech about his country and how every little effort helped.

- - -

OOC Disclaimer: artistic license was taken for writing the post. If Mr. wonder Geek is somehow misplaced or there is no Batavian embassy in Wendmark, please specify so.

 

[Batavië]

 

[Remuria]

120 Minuten

Akhaltsikhe Pie the new "must have" at Wendmarker restaurants

Röstigrabe, a Wendmarker chain of restaurants, has launched a new desert. It is called the Akhaltsikhe Pie and it is served only to tables with two or more customers. The Pie is served uncut and is not uniform as it has bits and blobs with chocolate next to bits in berries, with some vanilla flavour bits around. Each bit is clearly identifiable. The pie was inspired by the real nation of Akhaltsikhe's complex patchwork of regions, economic zones, ethnic areas, etc. Customers are given plastic knives and forks and are left to work out who gets what bits.

"Usually customers do it the boring way by splitting in halves without regard to any flavour borders. But sometimes we do have funny competition and negotiations and trading for who gets what bits," said Alfred Geilzee, manager of one of the restaurants. "Of course it never gets to a brawl, God forbid! We're all civilized Free Saxons here, not some overexcited Himyans, after all."​

The Akhaltsikhe Pie has already caused a furore with Wendmarker restaurant goers and the chain's profits in the past week have been steadily going up. The chain's cooks already have ideas for a Freiheit Pie: the customers would have to eat the pie before a candle burns through a string holding a coconut to the ceiling, which would then drop onto the pie and squish it.

"We're still working out the details, namely the various safety concerns tied to dropping coconuts over people's heads," said Alfred.​

 

[Remuria]

120 Minuten

ES ISCH KRIEG, ODER!

The Republic of Tyskreich has formally declared an economic war to the Free State of Wendmark by imposing ridiculous trade tariffs upon Wendmarker products imported into Tyskreich. According to Wendmarker cheese and chocolate producers, they can no longer export their tasty products to the northern Republic because they are now submitted to tariffs of over nine thousand percent. While the chocolate and cheese market reorients itself on the Germanian League, Wendmarker businessmen are fuming in endless rage and call upon the Government to act and retalliate with counter-tariffs on Tyskreicher pretzels.

«ES ISCH KHRIEG! TYSKHRÄ PRITZLI RAUS! ODER!» yelled angry Wendmarker protesters in front of the Tyskreicher Embassy in Einsiedeln, before one of the leaders of the demonstration suddenly thought that maybe it would be a better idea to go yell at the seat of the Department of Economy instead.

But the Free State's Government has denied that at this very moment in space and time it has plans to up tariffs on Tyskreicher pretzels. According to insider sources at the Chancellery, the Heads of Departments are to meet in full Government in the coming days to decide on what to do about Tyskreich.

The first move was already done by the Landamann when he decided not to invite the Tyskreicher president for tea over in Einsiedeln, stating his extreme grief at the Republic's endless hate agains the Free State. Certainly much to the relief of Mrs. Grauholzer, the Wendmarker First Lady who unfortunately cannot compete with genetically engineered and eugenically improved Tyskreicher babes.

 

[Remuria]

120 Minuten

WENDMARK IS BEING DELETED!

According to the rumours emanating from the European cartographic authority based in Khalistan, Wendmark is considered for deletion from European maps. Whilst the exact effects of such a deletion are unclear, as this would not undermine the existence of the nation in the slightest and would simply confuse the average citizen of Europe, the move has already been criticised by many in Wendmark.

As such, the "Wendmark Above All" movement has released a statement, calling the decision of the cartographic authority “utter nonsense”. “Khalistani monkeys can't tell a banana from a coconut and yet some [unintelligent persons, -redacted] entrusted them with the responsibility to map out the entire world,” the strongly worded statement read.

The move is being carried out due to perceived inactivity from the Free State of Wendmark. Apparently, the people in Khalistan don't know that Wendmarkers are slow and lazy, but can more than allow themselves the luxury of being such. However, the perceived inactivity is not such. Thus, only a few days ago the Regional District authorities of Saxe-Pratteln have put an upper limit of decibels to which all cow bells must conform. The controversial move has sparked the ire of bell makers, but has also drawn interest from the authorities in other regional districts, such as the Siebentäler and Ausserrhoden who are studying the effects of the measure on noise levels in the scenic and calm Wendmarker Alps.

The Landmann of the Free State and the Government have not commented on the news from Khalistan.

 

[Remuria]

120 MINUTEN FINANCIAL AND CREDIT RATING AGENCY

Given the current trend of various national rating agencies giving direct privileges to their own countries whilst abusively downgrading other countries for no other reason than in the name of lol, the 120 Minuten has decided to create its own Financial and Credit Rating Agency and provide a fully neutral, unbiased and completely evidence-based rating list based on objective critera selected through a rigorous process of fact-checking. The 120 Minuted Financial and Credit Rating Agency provides fully accountable and adequate counsel to investors worldwide that seek the best opportunities where to place their hard earned money stolen from the hapless working classes*.

ALTAI - bust
ANGLYN - bust
ARENDAAL - bust
AQUITANIA - bust
BANTYR - bust
BATAVIE - bust
BREOTONIA - bust
CARENTANIA - bust
CŒURLOIS - bust
CORONADO - bust
DANMARK - OKAYISH
DANZIG - bust
EIFFELLAND - OKAYISH
ENGELLEX - bust
FRANKEN - OKAYISH
GOTsmth (also suionia) - bust
GUIANA - bust
HAJR - bust
HOLY SEE - bust
JURZAN - bust
KEIDA - bust
KRYOBAIJAN - bust
KIEV (or was that kyiv?) - bust
LAFAYETTE - bust
LORRAINE - bust
MONTELIMAR - error: does not exist
NICOSIA - bust
SOLAREN - error: does not exist
SØRLANDETEN -bust
TALEMANTROS - bust
TOUZEN - bust
VANGALA - bust
VISTRASIA - bust
WARRE - bust
WIESE - OKAYISH
WING-SING - bust
WENDMARK - INVEST HERE WE LUV UR MONEY
YUJIN - bust

* The present advertisement is made for entertainment purposes only and does not constitute an offer of services. 120 Minuten, any of its subsidiaries, attorneys, affiliates, associates, friends, pets, employees, etc may not be sued for the content published in the form published. Any complaints shall be dealt with by publishing them online for all to laugh at.