Arendaal's National News - ICPEN oil bloc's headquarters open in Aren capital

[Arendaal]

ARNN: Arendaal's National News

Aren Nationell Nyheter

7th February 1953​

God angrily clarifies stance on killing, reveals Archbishop of Krönstad

Krönstad: Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for millennia, angrily clarified His long-time stance against humans killing each other, reported the Archbishop of Krönstad at a press conference today.

"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," the Lord is quoted as saying in a letter which the Archbishop swears was addressed to him by the All-mighty. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbour. Well, I don't,” He clarified, “Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand."

"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," continued God, "I guess I figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?"

"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake since the dawn of time. I'm talking to all of you, here!" finished the Lord, His voice rising to a shout. "Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore—ever! I'm f*cking serious!"

The Archbishop declined questions from reporters following his reading of the letter, insisting that the contents “spoke for themselves”. The Government, although avowedly agnostic, applauded God’s stance on the issue of murder. The Minister of Culture, present at the Archbishop’s press conference, told the assembled media that the left the occasion in a dazed state .

 

[Holy See]

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His Eminence the Archbishop of Krönstad is hereby summoned to appear before the Holy Father at once in Capitoline City.

 

[Havenshire]

This God character speaks sense for a non-existent bronze-age mythological figure. However, were he to be discovered to be real, I am confident he would fully endorse the Clynesian Manifesto and remind everyone that violence only occurs due to the existence of feudal-capitalistic industrial complexes with cryptofascist agendas.

-Ambassador to Arendaal,
People's Republic of Havenshire

 

[Danmark]

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We, the Congregation and Believers of the Creed of the Danish Free Church dissent in a manner which casts scorn upon the falsely proclaimed Words of the Almighty as delivered through Arendaaler national news outlets, even the most prestigious ones and those accorded 'newspaper of record' status, and it is the assumption of the members of our Church that the words claimed to be those of Our Lord are sincerely and categorically not and are to be cast wayward as such for their validity as being the sincere words of Him.

Such stooping blasphemous utterances from ARNN, posited as the apparent Communication of the Lord towards those on this, His creation, planet Earth, are lowly and scandalous and we can only assume that the editors and writers of ARNN have either reached an abysmal editorial gutter in an attempt at garnering attention towards Arendaaler news and the nation of Arendaal, or that it's writers were surfeit with a rather too much of the intoxicating liquor of the Incarnate Devil in one of the many public houses dotted around the Arendaaler kingdom.

Needless to say, even though it is the belief that the words claimed as being those of the Almighty are not those of Him, the underlying message indeed does exist and that cannot be refuted and is a reflection of the the Word. Those composed of a sinful nature, as we all are, capable of transgressions and the futility but liveliness of the flesh as well as the consequential and inherent mental processes that afflict all of mankind, do need to reflect upon this announced publication as it, nonetheless, has grave profundity when the seed is sorted from the chaff. Whether that Truth emits from Arendaaler News, the See, our own Church or that of other Believers or establishments is inconsequential, but the subtleties and the obvious messages are unescapable and deserving of being suitably discussed and deliberated on. We call for deep reflection.

The beloved and blessed,

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Ærkebiskop Blustrup og Stirrup

The Free Church of Danish Protestantists