The Tomato - Reputable News Since 500 BCE

[Touzen]

The Tomato​

 

[Touzen]

THE TOMATO
Justosia to build Star de Death Royale
​

Hailed by its proponents as a titanic victory in the galactic hyper war on Leftism, the Justosian plans to develop a Star de Death Royale were announced to the public today.

“It makes sense, really”, the Justosian king said while sitting on a pair of Loagan slaves. “Europe is known as the planet with the most Leftists in the universe. As the premier guardians of Rightism, we will have to take preemptive action.”

The Star de Death Royale is planned to be constructed in orbit, where the moon currently resides. The king had this to say to critics who questioned his intentions to “kick the moon out of orbit”:

“The moon is gay and probably Aurarian. Aurarian Mondays. Moon. Monday. Moonday. You aren’t tricking us, degenerate satellite. Begone!”

Concerns that the construction of the Star de Death Royale would exceed the Justosian budget were dismissed by his most Judeo-Christian majesty:

“Yeah, yeah, the budget concerns. Of course this is a challenge nationale, but let’s be realistic. Can we afford to not point a giant death laser at the Northern Cooperatives Union? Yeah, didn’t think so.”

 

[Justosia]

(this is awesome lol thank you)

 

[Oneida]

THE TOMATO
Aurarian President admits "Size Does Matter."

[DIV] style="border: 1px;; width: 300px; padding: 5px; float:right"|

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Map of Eiffelland-Retalia [/DIV]
​

In a somber press conference today, Aurarian President Manuel Sanabria stated that upon reviewing the sheer size, girth, and length of Eiffelland-Retalia that “there is simply no way that the Aurarians can compete with that.”

The Aurarian President, while staring longingly at a map highlighting the new union of Eiffelland and Retalia, continued to state “While size is not the only factor that can be taken into account, it certainly does help.”

The Aurarian President, while taking care to never step out from behind his podium, continued to explain that on Monday, top and bottom experts in the country have delineated for hours to develop strategies for the country to best insert itself into the politics of Gallo-Germania. Experts agreed that how Auraria maneuvers itself in diplomatic intercourse could provide a slight advantage, however “there’s a simple size difference that the Aurarians will have a difficulty overcoming.”

Conservative voices in Auraria blasted the President, stating that the differences in size only means that Auraria must work harder, faster, and longer to become the dominant top country of Gallo-Germania. Opposition Leader Antonio Ibarra stated that "Auraria must find new, innovative tactics to make the Gallo-Germanian countries feel in ways they never knew they could."

 

[Entre Rios]

THE TOMATO
At least 80% of Aurarians are secretly straight​

A study organised by researches and doctoral students in gender studies together with a team of volunteers made of social justice warriors from the Sunbelt University in Harstad have come up with a shocking conclusion.

The study, called "The complete deconstruction of Aurarian sexual behaviour using psychosomatic and affective elements in a constructivist method from the Republican Revolution to Present day", states that as much as Auraria calls itself a gay country, in reality, more than 80% of them are closeted heterosexuals.

"We have studies Aurarian sexual behaviour since the revolution and have come up with the conclusion that sadly, the majority of the Aurarian people is heterosexual. We have wondered where so many kids have come up from, even went as far as to see if they stole Justosian and Occitan ones, but sadly, that theory has been debunked and the stark naked truth is that Aurarian kids are created through heterosexual intercourse," stated Marsha G. Johnson, the head researcher.

The study can completely shatter the Aurarian image of a gay country and shows that in the end, the rainbow flag waving is just a way for many to present themselves in Solis and Tauritania as gay but in reality they are closeted heterosexuals.

"We have two new theories that emerged after this study", stated Sajida MacCueer, sporting a rainbow coloured fringe, "The first one is that we have observed that actually, heterosexual behaviour has evolved in Auraria quite recently and has been observed only as soon as the Revolution. Before that, during the kingdom, we have no knowledge of any heterosexual activity in the country. Maybe that is why the Catholic Church was so strong and influential during the ancien regime. Our second theory is about Justosia and its relationship with Auraria. Considering that Justosia is inheriting the old kingdom, we believe that it complements Auraria and that in reality, Justosia is made of 80% gays and only 20% heterosexuals," she continued.

 

[Oneida]

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[Oneida]

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@Azraq

 

[Serenierre]

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(click)​

 

[Oneida]

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[Justosia]

THE TOMATO
At least 80% of Aurarians are secretly straight​

A study organised by researches and doctoral students in gender studies together with a team of volunteers made of social justice warriors from the Sunbelt University in Harstad have come up with a shocking conclusion.

The study, called "The complete deconstruction of Aurarian sexual behaviour using psychosomatic and affective elements in a constructivist method from the Republican Revolution to Present day", states that as much as Auraria calls itself a gay country, in reality, more than 80% of them are closeted heterosexuals.

"We have studies Aurarian sexual behaviour since the revolution and have come up with the conclusion that sadly, the majority of the Aurarian people is heterosexual. We have wondered where so many kids have come up from, even went as far as to see if they stole Justosian and Occitan ones, but sadly, that theory has been debunked and the stark naked truth is that Aurarian kids are created through heterosexual intercourse," stated Marsha G. Johnson, the head researcher.

The study can completely shatter the Aurarian image of a gay country and shows that in the end, the rainbow flag waving is just a way for many to present themselves in Solis and Tauritania as gay but in reality they are closeted heterosexuals.

"We have two new theories that emerged after this study", stated Sajida MacCueer, sporting a rainbow coloured fringe, "The first one is that we have observed that actually, heterosexual behaviour has evolved in Auraria quite recently and has been observed only as soon as the Revolution. Before that, during the kingdom, we have no knowledge of any heterosexual activity in the country. Maybe that is why the Catholic Church was so strong and influential during the ancien regime. Our second theory is about Justosia and its relationship with Auraria. Considering that Justosia is inheriting the old kingdom, we believe that it complements Auraria and that in reality, Justosia is made of 80% gays and only 20% heterosexuals," she continued.

"Well, not quite gay....."

-Anonymous

 

[Socialist Commonwealth]

THE TOMATO
Eiffelländer engineer proposes hot air from politicians as safe alternative for airships ​

In the ongoing argument between supporters of hydrogen and helium as gas for airships, an engineer from Eiffelland has now proposed a third alternative: hot air sourced directly from European parliaments.

"It adresses both issues raised by supporters of either gas," the engineer explained. "It is cheap and readily available in abundance, unlike helium, but it is also safe for use and won't ignite, unlike hydrogen."

Reactions to the proposal were generally cheerful, with Eiffelländer authorities proclaiming pride in the ingenuity of their nation's engineering tradition solving yet another problem, while other commenters praised the idea that "politicians may actually become useful now."

However, first critics have also appeared, pointing out that parliamentary hot air may not be as safe as suggested. "It has ignited all of Europe just a few years ago," one critic in particularily stated, pointing to the experience of the Great War.

 

[Touzen]

THE TOMATO
Billions of people expected to be born across Touyou
​

Billions of people are expected to suddenly pop into existence across Touyou, after scientists in Touzen discovered that the universal cosmic law of the "Touyou Ban" apparently has not been applicable anymore since last month.

"It's puzzling, really. One day the entire continent is empty and any attempts to establish settlements there ended up being destroyed by large malevolent owls, the next day our sensors were able to detect a latent energy which we fully expect to materialize into fully-fledged nations full of history and people anytime soon", one of the involved scientists from the Touzen Institute of Map Metaphysics, which first stumbled upon the unique upheaval in the laws of the universe, stated.

It is not clear what caused this universal cosmic constant to change, but analysts across the globe warn that population numbers in other parts of the world might also be affected in accordance with a law known as the "population numbers increase arms race law", which as of the publishing of this article seems to still be firmly in place and untouched by the eldritch forces that be.