Tyrisle Times

[Tyrisle]

TYRISLE TIMES
Bringing you News from the Islands​

LABOR RIOTS IN CHARLESTON!


The continuation of the economic slump has seen the rise of an ever-more irritated work force. As desperation grows with the climbing unemployment rate, labor unions have begun to intensify their strikes and protests. All this came to a head early last evening has the Islands' capital was engulfed in chaos and violence.

Police were called to the scene of a strike outside the banana packaging plant in the Southend district around seven o'clock yesterday evening. The commissioner reports that the call was made over a disturbance and suspected worker violence, as the lucky few able to retain their jobs on the premises clocked out and attempted to go home for the evening. During a barrage of curses and threats of violence, a fight broke out which eventually led to a violent brawl that soon engulfed the packaging facility. Police on the scene were helpless to stop the spread of violence.

When the riot cops arrived, the entire plant was a scene of utter chaos and violence. Fires had been started in several areas within the complex, with firefighting crews unable to approach due to the intense brawls. Within thirty minutes of the fighting, EMTs on site reported several critical injuries and the nearest hospital, St. Nevis', reported it could no longer accommodate any more ER submissions, forcing ambulance crews to take their patients even further for care.

It took police forces three hours after initial arrival to amass enough presences of force to contain and dissipate the rioters. While a few arrests were made for looting, Charleston Police Department has released a statement stating that it will be almost impossible to prosecute any rioters for damages, due to the chaos that went on through most of the night.

UNEMPLOYMENT RATE CONTINUES TO CLIMB

Recent reports state that the unemployment rate in Tyrisle has now risen to 23%. That is a four percent increase in the last month, with no apparent signs at slowing. The economic strain has even put a serious dent in food-stamp distribution, as grocers report that there simply isn't enough food to give away. Some grocers have even refused to take food stamps, demanding only hard currency be accepted in their stores.

Economist Joseph Reims spoke as to the reasons behind the disastrous economic slump last Thursday during an interview on Island News Radio.

The sad events now afflicting Tyrisle is a combination of the natural progression of capitalism and our own state's inability to innovate, educate and prepare for the future. The literacy rate in Tyrisle is a paltry 68%. That means more than thirty percent of the country cannot even read the news paper. How can we expect these people to gain access to decent jobs, or make informed decisions as to the future of our country?

This is also a country living in the past. So far in the past that when private industry tries to modernize, it does so at the heavy expense of jobs, with no place to take up the slack. Why? Because we lack innovative and educated minds to advance in new areas of industry. We are an island nation, entirely dependent on trade to bring many products from the mainland in order to progress and develop. Our economy is dependent on both mainland imports, and mainland businesses which conduct themselves within our borders with no regard to the state's economy.

Reims has been accused of being a "closet communist" and is a known student of philosopher Bartholomew Mann.

 

[Tyrisle]

THE CHIEF SPEAKS OUT AGAINST THE RIOTS

In a public message broadcast across national radio and television waves all over the islands, The Chief, beloved father and leader of Tyrisle, spoke a message of disappointment at the conduct of some of the more distasteful of his constituents.

Am I happy about the economic conditions? Of course not. No. No one has anything to gain from such troubling times. But I do not pick up a gun and go to the nearest store and rob the place, kill the owner and make off like a bandit! This is a lawful nation, a proud nation, and no one should stand for such lawless and senseless violence! Two nights ago it was the Charleston Banana Facility, and just this morning I am greeted not by a good brew of our famous coffee and the morning paper, but by news brought to me by the Police Commissioner of Bright, gravely warning me of picketers barricading the Bigelow Hemp production plant! This travesty cannot stand. People need jobs, and these businesses are doing their best in these trying times to provide them. I will not condone, will not allow the selfishness of the few to keep honest men from trying to make an honest wage with which to feed their families!​

As an expression of his displeasure, The Chief has decided to stop the distribution of food stamps to anyone who has been unemployed for more than two months. Official proclamations state that anyone who has not been employed for so long without proper proof of attempts at gaining lawful employment are simply free riders and trouble makers, after official reports were released stating that the majority of picketers were "professionally unemployed".

TOURIST SEASON RAMPS UP

With the short hurricane season now over, and the season thankfully light, the summer months and the tourist season are ramping up to full swing. The beautiful tourist towns of Bimini, New Cape and South Bay are bustling as employers seek seasonal labor. Queues at the employment offices in these towns are longer than ever, suggesting a potential turn around for the economy long awaited in Tyrisle.

Job-seekers, both skilled and unskilled, are encouraged to make their ways to these beautiful locales with their best attitudes and a desire to put in an honest day's work.

Charleston International Airport has reportedly increased its employment and rate of shifts, even keeping the airport inbound and outbound flights open 24/7 in preparation for the expected influx of tourists. Charter flights, shuttle and ferry services are also hiring as the islands prepare to take on what experts are calling a "dramatic increase" in population as the tourists come flying in to enjoy a taste of the island life and the paradise we enjoy year round.

Local News Blurbs:
Coffee harvest reported "lower than usual" due to light rainy season
3 men arrested in St. Roberts for suspected sedition. Citizen reports claim the men were "overtly and vehemently communist and preached a message of hate and violence"
Gov't officials in Charleston rumored to entertain the idea of oil prospecting off the southern coasts. Updates as they come.