European International News: The News You Need, The News You Want, The News You Can't Handle

[mrnutty]

*bzzt*
Screen flickers.
"This is on, right?" "Yes it's on! Imbecile!" Thick Nuttian accents..

Good Evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the first installment of European International News! We bring you unfiltered the stories from around Europe that everyone will be talking about at your local Jihad club meeting! On today's agenda:
Pedophile Priest Peruses in Nicosia
President of Serenierre dies suddenly, cause believed to be capitalism.
Alphabet Soup Converges on Aresura, Chicken Noodles called into Reserve
Boganheim Bo-gone-crazy!

These headlines and more after the break!

"Quick! Put something in front of the camera!"
"Jamal there is nothing to put in front of the camera, you know this!"
"Whatever, point it at the wall then, what do they know? Infidels will watch anything."

Dramatic music plays
Pedophile Priest Peruses in Nicosia
In Nicosia over the last few days, Father Basti has been put under trial for crimes against humanity. The Journal of Nicosia has painstakingly documented the court proceedings, which have gone on for hours deemed inefficient and unsuitable for human endurance, but nonetheless apparently acceptable in Nicosian legal circles. Reports from the Journal of Nicosia that the Father is an accused terrorist and potential tyrannical mastermind in a ring of domestic plots have fallen on deaf ears in the international community, who have aptly concluded that a Catholic priest confused of hurting individuals can only possibly have molested young boys.
No Nicosians have commented on these accusations, because we have not bothered to ask them, as we assume they will stare at us blankly and ponder as to our seriousness. However, anonymous sources speculate that some Nicosians could possibly be supporting this depraved behavior, hypothetically speaking. It's something you should be afraid of if you consider going there any time soon. Probably.

President of Serenierre dies suddenly, cause believed to be capitalism.
The sudden and unexpected death of the beloved President of the People's Republic of Serenierre was met with great mourning in Europe. Or it would have been, if not for the apt reporting done by our brave comrades in Serenierre, who only hours later reported on the potential cause of death. Murder. Yes fellow Europeans it seems the beloved President was assassinated by his own people. Before the President's body was even cold, reports were circulating that some industry in Serenierre would not be socialized. Calls have risen up among the international community for a War Crimes Tribunal or at the very least the adaptation of a CSI script for the People's Republic, so they can properly bring justice to this heinous crime, or at least enjoy high ratings on week days. No motive has yet been determined for why the People's Republic would choose to kill their President in such an uncivilized manner, but one can only speculate that it was probably financial in nature. When reached for comment a highly influential economist was quoted with saying "Really, you follow the news in Serenierre? How lovely." We'll have more on this story as it develops.

Alphabet Soup Converges on Aresura, Chicken Noodles called into Reserve
With tensions at unmeasurable levels in Aresura, nations representing the PASILA, GAFGEUFPT*, and potentially several other letters of the alphabet have deployed Carrier Battle Groups to the self-destructing nation to impose order and their own interpretations of how the Alphabet song should be sung. Hopes for peace and negotiation have been pushed forward by Vangala and Serenierre and many other complicated to pronounce nations, but without the intervention of some denser form of culinary cuisine or at the least a Beef Stew, it seems unlikely that the tense situation will end peacefully. Calls for a ceasefire have been heard on both sides, and as of this reporting, there are small hopes for an end to the broth shed.
*Editors note, the Gaelic Alliance For a Greater European Union of Flowers and Pretty Things may or may not be fictional.

Boganheim Bo-Gone-Crazy!
After several days of debates within the halls of the Council of Nations, Boganheim continues to discount products and insist on the lowest prices in all of Europe. Calls for intervention have been echoed across much of Europe, as the Boganheim demand for the best deal has driven economic uncertainty to whole new levels throughout the greater European community. Apparently this insistence on having always low prices is a religious conviction of the Bogan people, when reached for a comment an anonymous Bogan was quoted as saying 'Always Low Prices, Always Bogan!', a fact which cannot be readily verified at time of reporting, however there is great speculation which leads us to believe this may be quite accurate. They make great deal, so the reports indicate.

Thank you for tuning in to European International News. Mash'allah.

The feed begins fading out
"Are you sure that last story was what's going on?"
"There was something about Uranus, I couldn't translate it Jamal. I'm sure this is what all the fuss is about"

 

[Holy Frankish Empire]

Ministry of Foreign Affairs

No comment.

 

[Serenierre]

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The People's Republic is grossly offended by the statements of EIN. We urge the media to show some respect for those who have passed on.

Jean-Jacques Rogére
State Councilor for Foreign Affairs
​

 

[Warre]

*bzzt*
Screen flickers.
"We have taken back these airwaves! Verily and Forsooth!" thick accents, which could be Gaelic, could be some kind of Sarmatian, could be Kringon, who knows. Warriors voices, complete with samurai armor and the newscasters wearing mustaches of varying sorts, from the Reiji Manchu, the 'Kyle Classic' Motorocycle warrior mustache, and the business like Touzen Full Beard complete with Beard Braids.

"Good evening, goats, yaks, and owls everywhere out in National Socialist Yuropeland! Welcome to the European International News, yes that's right, the number one in Fraken, Wiese, Wendmark, Eiffleland, and whatever other six german nations are out there. Get it? Anyways, hilarious jokes aside- we have a lot of news to give you and Asam wants to go get a pint, so we're gonna give you it in a hurry! On Today's Agenda: ?"

Kryobaijan Yak Plushies found poisonous again.
Boganhem tooting the horn for the hunt; but who's coming to it? And will they be friends?
Princess Ayslin Ui Tyrell confirmed to be a fairy in human form. Pictures of her sixth birthday to prove it!
The Anglysh Wyvern picks its nose as dogs battle in it's front yard, flaps on over to it's Montelimar Lion buddies instead!

Dramatic music plays
Kryobaijan Yak Plushies found poisonous again
A study by several prominent Universities have come up with the fact that Kryobaijan made Yak Plushies are indeed, quite poisonous. After eating six pounds of the stuffing within the Yak Plushies, a prominent CarrickUlter student was quoted as saying 'Oi! Oh gahwd almigh'tey, thunderin jesus and groovin' holy spirit, if I eat one more lintlette of that stuffin' I'm gonna be sick!'

If numerous Stormmaigh and CarrickUlter ER reports are to beleived, they plushie stuffing is prone to causing caustic diahrea, and food poisoning. While the realism the yak plushies commit to, for those are the traits of the Kryobaijan yak-, we can't believe they're still sellin'. Oh, who are we kidding! Look at how cute they are! Willhem, wave the plushie about! Yah like that!


Boganhem callin' for the time to hunt bears, but will the Bogans come out without a maulin' this time?
We all know that the Bogan King puts the biggest exaggeration on the phrase 'oh, he's only a wee bit crazy', but this time he's getting it worse. While building a nuclear powered sword which he claims to have gained the blueprints of from Odin himself, Rickard also went further, and poked at the great white bear spirit of the Bantyric people by cutting down their mystical uranium trees.

Rickard declared a hunt on the bears, but if the sixty-nine dead, nude Bogans found in the middle of the town of Vicklerbocka were any example, and o' of course Rickard didn't have his way with him before hand, then the ol' Litch must've not been watching when the Bantyric Polar Bear Spirit came amaulin'.

Our advise if you're in Boganhem? Woad it up! And oh, of course, root for the Banngleann Bears in the Cluiche Dar Soirc finals.


Princess Ayslin Ui Tyrell proved to be a Fairy Princess in pictures from her sixth birthday
Photos of a fully grown Ayslin Ui Tyrell, wearing a medieval gown and fairy wings at a late night, forest ceremony that seemed a lot more like a rave than a druidic gathering, surfaced today, and as we can all say from her bodacious face, these pictures are really just pictures from her sixth birthday.

Or Therran needs to reign her in, whatever. Where's that pint Asam?


Anglyn eatin' it's own behind again
Anglyn ignored the battle for life and death, for land and laundry, and for most of all, the one ring to rule them all- that was going on in Aresura in the past year. It's concerns seem not to be on it, Guiana, or Aquitania's on safety, or even regional security and stability. No, the Wyvern seems to only care about getting into the Montelimar Lionness' britches, and to have some fun there, while claiming it's 'peace keeping against the Solaren Empire'. I mean, I could understand how you could confuse havin' yer fun with a lady with knocking a blow to the holy Solaren church-, but they're not really any more than metaphorical blows, man! Keep the claws at home and go help the wild dogs in Aresura, before the Dark Lord finds it! I know you don't have no hobbits sitting in your fields to save you then, Anglyn!

 

[mrnutty]

Ladies!

Tired of your man never trimming that uneven warrior beard? Sick of always having to scrub the
blood of Germans off his virile kilt? Would you even like to have sex on top just once?

Ladies if you said yes to any of these questions,
you need to leave that heathen Warreic husband of yours and come visi-

*bzzt*
Screen flickers
"Jamal, you must fortify the signal this time, no one wants to watch the feed from Warre, they're all so pale up there! Like ghosts!"

"As-salam Alaykum beautiful gentlemen of Europe! We bring you the news you may have missed from around Europe,
so tomorrow when Abdul goes to the local synagogue and doesn't come back, you'll have something to talk to his family about!"

Engellex appoints Canine Cabinet, Europe in Shock
Peaceful Flower-Children of Kyiv Threaten War

"These stories after the break!"

"Why is it always break with you? What is this break? There is no break! No one will advertise on an unofficial channel you imbecile!"
"What you want from me? You only give me two stories to read! I don't know what else to do!"
"Shut up and get back to the news or I'll sick the Hajri on you!!"



Engellex Appoints Canine Cabinet
In a shocking move, sending ripples across the entire European geo-political landscape, a Canine Cabinet has taken power in the
nation of Engellex. Political observers from around Europe were in a state of utter disbelief over the breaking announcement from
deep in the Dog House of Engellex. No official government comment has been provided to EIN reporters on the next move of
the new Engellex regime, however speculation has hinted that they may need to go for walkies any day now, and some even
dread the potential need for immediate Council of Nations action to enforce leash laws. More will come as we have it.

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An artist's rendition of what the new cabinet is believed to look like.

Peaceful Flower-Children of Kyiv Threaten War
The eternally peaceful and sensitive Buddhist monk-infested nation of Kyiv has begun beating drums of war in the direction of Boganheim.
In a follow up to our breaking news article about the leadership of Boganheim being ostracized for slashing prices all over Europe,
hostilities over the price war may soon be boiling over into full on food fights, as the hippies of Kyiv threaten a bombardment of
organic tomatoes and cabbage in the general vicinity of their Bogan adversaries. When reached for comment a local farmer reportedly
expressed a great deal of excitement, supposedly, but could not actually comment on the situation, citing an inability to speak a
language we understood. We wish his family well, it looks like dark times are coming to Northern Europe.

The feed begins fading out.
"Why always when we talk about Bogan things never make sense?"
"Don't question the reporters! They're professionals! They check the wikipedia on a regular basis!"

 

[Warre]

*bzzt*
Screen flickers.
"Baaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaaah baaaaaaaaaa. We have taken over your airwaves, and soon we shall take over your sovereign meadows for our personal grazing! The Great Sheepriocht war is only beginning!" A group of figures appear on the screen, talking in unison and moving what looks to be rubber sheep face shaped masks as they are covered in sheep-fleece blankets. The masks are partially moved, to allow sheep like laughs to come, and then real human grins to be showed, before the masks are put back on.

"Good evening, Ewes and Gentle-sheep! This goes to you, goats, yaks, and owls everywhere out in National Socialist Yuropeland! Welcome to the European International News, yes that's right, the number one in Fraken, Wiese, Wendmark, Eiffleland, and whatever other six german nations are out there. Get it? Anyways, hilarious jokes aside- we have a lot of news to give you and Asam wants to go get a pint, so we're gonna give you it in a hurry! On Today's Agenda: ?"

Clannlord Lewis the Blackface; of Bantyr Island Sheep Crowned Ard Ri of Bantyr, Ard Sheep of the World

Dramatic music plays
Things are a bit sheepish in Banngleann!

An ecological terrorist group lead by non-other than Hyboreanly famous Sheep, Lewis the Blackface- led a siege on the city of Banngleann today with thousands and thousands of 'freed' [stolen] sheep. As the sheep moved about their business, and clogged the entire city in ways which have not been seen in modern days, music could be heard all around as Lewis the Blackface marched with his army of sheep, baaing his proclamations as the Ard Sheep of Bantyr.

"The Ard Sheep shall take his sheep armies and cut a swath across the human held lands. We will unleash such terrible vengance upon you that your future generations will feel the fear you felt when my sheep commandos rolled across your homes. "

The sounds boomed in the area; *Cue clip of a sheep pulled jeep belting out words from speakers*

"Never again shall you shear our wool, never again shall you kill us for our meat! WE our the true inhabitants of these lands you call your celtic homes! You will kneel before the incoming sheepocracy!"