CNN - CIDONIAN NEWS NETWORK

[Cidonia]

MIND-SHATTERING NEWS​

CIDONIA HAS REAWAKENED AND HAS REOPENED ALL EMBASSIES IN THE NATION, THEREFORE REESTABLISHING RELATIONS TO ALL NATIONS WHO HAVE HAD AN EMBASSY IN CIDONIA IN THE PAST DECADE. CIDONIA URGES ALL BENELOVENT AND GLORIOUS NATIONS TO OPEN AN EMBASSY UNTIL THE END OF THE MONTH, AFTER THAT EMBASSIES WILL NOT BE PERMITTED TO OPEN IN CIDONIA UNTIL SEPTEMBER THIS YEAR! NO EXCEPTIONS!

THE NEW RULER OF CIDONIA --- VIRGILIO KONGER --- HAS PROCLAIMED HIMSELF THE BENELOVENT DICTATOR OF THE GLORIOUS DICTATORSHIP OF CIDONIA! ALL HAIL HIGH CHIEF OF COMMAND AND GENERAL OF THE ARMY, AIRFORCE AND NAVY VIRGILIO KONGER!

 

[Serenierre]

Foreign Office

The Kingdom of Belmont shall reopen our embassy in the Cidonian capital. We welcome the move by the Cidonian leadership.

 

[Cidonia]

AIR-BENDING NEWS​

--- Životinje INVADES Barazi ---

IN RECENT NEWS, THE NATION OF Životinje HAS INVADED THE NATION OF Barazi! CIDONIAS STANCE ON THE WAR IS INDIFFERENT AS THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT LEAD TO THIS WAR AND CAN ONLY SPECULATE WHAT WILL BE THE RESULT. HIGH RULER, GRAND EMPEROR AND GENERAL OF THE ARMED FORCES, VIRGILIO KONGER, STATED "MY CONDOLENCES GO TO ALL THE FAMILIES WHO WILL LOSE BRAVE MEN IN THIS GLORIOUS WAR, SINCE ALL WARS ARE GLORIOUS. MAY THE WINNER WRITE HISTORY AND MAY THE LOSER BATHE IN TEARS!"

THE OFFICIAL RESPONSE FROM THE FOREIGN MINISTRY OF CIDONIA WAS THIS:

In light of the recent events concerning the nations of Životinje and Barazi, the benelovent dictatorship of Cidonia holds no official position for or against either parties in the aforementioned conflict. Cidonia and its representatives would like to let it be known that Cidonia will not indirectly or directly interfere with any matters concerning this war or any nations involved in this war, as to not spoil relations with either nation. Humanitarian aid will be offered from Cidonia. The most glrious fighter will receive an honorary medal from the dictator himself and the first fighter to kill 100 of the opposition's officers will an all-inclusive receive a 2-week vacation and a trip throughout Cidonia! Good luck.

 

[Clarenthia]

Ministry of Foreign Affairs

After reading several news publications by Cidonia and reading quotes by “Benevolent” dictator Virgilio Konger, we have formally decided to not open diplomatic relations with the “Glorious Dictatorship” of Cidonia. No dictatorship is glorious and anyone that claims it is and goes even farther by claiming war is glorious is nothing more than a militant warmonger who sees death and violence as a good thing.

This message has been approved by the Acting-Executor

 

[Hesperia]

Diwan of Foreign Affairs

The Sultanate laughs at the hypocrites in Tetri Tsqaro. If there is a worse dictatorship on God's green Earth than the racist apartheid state run by Saakashvili and his cronies, we shall be surprised.

 

[Clarenthia]

Ministry of Foreign Affairs

Meritocracy is a term that Hajr willingly ignores because it is more beneficial to them and their senseless rhetoric to refer to us as a dictatorship, a system we hate ever so much. We are still waiting for the return of the five Akhaltsikhi civilians you have arrested.

 

[Cidonia]

LIFE-SAVING NEWS​

--- New Government ---

AFTER THE INAUGURATION OF VIRGILIO KONGER AND A MASSIVE ARMY PARADE, THINGS HAVE GOTTEN MORE QUIET AS THE NATION AWAITS IT'S NEW GOVERNMENT. OUR BENELOVENT AND LOVABLE REGIME HAS DECIDED THAT, AFTER ALL POSITIONS OF THE ARMY, NAVY AND AIRFORCE, HAVE BEEN GIVEN TO VIRGILIO KONGER HIMSELF, OUR BELOVED LEADER, THAT IT SHOULD BE WITHIN THE POWER OF OUR LEADER TO DECIDE WHO WILL FIT THE OTHER POSITIONS.

HERE THE LIST OF THE MINISTERS FOR THE CURRENT GOVERNMENT:
DOMESTIC AFFAIRS: TWANA PEECHA
FOREIGN: DIAMOND COLEBROOK
JUSTICE: LEANDRO CYLER
FINANCE: LUCRECIA KRONINGER
HEALTH: MILA DICKUN
POLICE: CHARLETON
TRANSPORT: CECILIA GRANUCCI
SECRETS: SKYE KRYSTON
PLANTS: MILAN MISLUK

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE A BADASS ENOUGH DUDE TO BE PART OF THE CIDONIAN GOVERNMENT, SEND US AN EMAIL, FAX, MAIL OR OTHER FORM OF MESSAGE WITH YOUR IDEA FOR A MINISTRY AND WE WILL THINK ABOUT IT. YOU MIGHT EVEN BECOME THE MINISTER!

BE SURE TO FOLLOW US ON TWATTER, FAECBOOK AND YOUTOOBE WITH OUR LATEST NEWS AND INFORMATION!

 

[Cidonia]

The Inevitable Return of the Great Red Menace

STILL ALIVE​

--- CIDONIA FOUND BY ARCHAEOLOGISTS ---

"This is unlike anything I have seen before and I have read many theoretical books about theories" said the discoverer of the ancient Cidonian civilization, Seymour A. Sess after stumbling upon an underground bunker that lead to the cryogenically frozen nation of Cidonia "basically I was just looking for a place to take a leak and I thought "hey this ditch looks nice" and I tripped and got knocked out. When I woke up I was in front of the large steel door of this bunker!" After calling in colleagues and blowing up the door the discovered the entire nation was in an underground catacomb waiting to be unfrozen.

An accompanying scientist, Dr. Dr. Hubert Iancu Gwynedd Gopinath Edwin, noticed an encrypted message near the door "Actually it wasn't encrypted at all, but it had a lot of coffee stains. Basically it said "Do not unfreeze before 2525" but we were like "Hey, what would happen if you unfreeze a nation that was frozen cryogenically?" and I am really interested to see what happens. Really.

Upon release the self-declared leader of the nation, Timotei Hermanson, also known as "first guy that was unfrozen" released a statement towards other nations as follows:

"I'm hungry."

This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

TIDBITS

TIDBITS​

​

• New supreme leader Timotei Hermanson overwhelmed but has enough sense to declare The Most Glorious Dictatorship of Cidonia
  
• Millions awake in massive underground cryogenic lab
  
• Massive underground cryogenic lab is declared new capital of cidonia
  
• Capital of cidonia inaugurated today by tomotei hermanson: New Cidia
  
• Opposition leader of the hardliners, Arkadios Livianus, criticizes Hermanson for declaring himself supreme leader - demands recount
  
• Tomotei Hermanson issues "Isolation of the Nation" declaration decreeing that the nation reassemble before foreign relations are established

 

[Cidonia]

--- CIDONIA REBUILD BEGINS ---​

The rebuilding of the Cidonian nation has begun at full force. The capital itself is being constructed as you read these very words, underground where the people of Cidonia were found by the archaeologist team lead by Dr. Dr. Hubert Iancu Gwynedd Gopinath Edwin. Streets are being paved to and from the glorious capital of New Cidia. Today Timotei Hermanson, Supreme Leader of the Glorious Dictatorship of Cidonia, unveiled the new currency of Cidonia, the 'Cid'.

"This currency is the beginning of a new era as Cidonia!" he proclaimed at a press conference showing the new currency. Each citizen will receive 2,000 Cid to begin his/her new life in Cidonia. Galen Luitpold, self-proclaimed secretary of the state called 2,000 Cid for every person "too much" and that it would lead to inflation. Timotei simply argued that you can't inflate something that didn't exist before.

Futhermore the Cidonian army is already recruiting citizens into it's ranks to assure that the rebuilding of the nation can go on without the interference of bandits and roaming thieves. "We've had a few occurrences where random gangs of bandits would interfere with the road building efforts as well as stealing raw materials. As such I have formed the Cidonian National Army once again and we are recruiting. Join now, Cidonia needs you!" Viktor Nazar self-proclaimed First General of the Army stated at the press conference alongside Timotei Hermanson. As such the Cidonian National Army will be overseeing the progress of all infrastructural progression within the nation. Supreme Leader Hermanson called this an important step in working together to the betterment of Cidonian glory.

This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

TIDBITS​

​

• Arkadios Livianus threatens the state at villa outside of New Cidia "Fuck you Hermanson!"
  
• Despite passing the "Isolation of the State" Talemantros builds first embassy in New Cidia
  
• Majority of Governmental Buildings in underground citdal of New Cidia complete
  
• Expansion to north of Cidonia underway army is in "full control"

 

[Cidonia]

TIDBITS​

​

• Talemantros improves relations with Cidonia, Supreme Leader Hermanson said that the "Support of Talemantros is essential to the Cidonian rebuilding effort"
  
• Major cities being constructed outside of New Cidia as the main parts of the capital citadel are being completed
  
• General Nazar of the Cidonian National Army says that "Cidonia will need support from beyond the borders to help complete the rebuilding effort" stating that relations to Talemantros will be essential "We are going to be selling contracts to help the rebuilding effort to companies abroad. A total of 40% of the contracts will go to big construction companies. We are looking for every extra hand"
  

 

[Cidonia]

--- CITADEL OF NEW CIDIA COMPLETE ---​

Timotei Hermanson, in absence, blessed the inauguration of the capital New Cidia through various military parades of the nation today. The citadel of New Cidia, the new capital of Cidonia, has been completed and all governmental buildings are in complete working order and the only embassy as of now is owned by Talemantros. Further embassies along the 'Embassy Avenue' have been constructed, a total of 5 for the time being, to allow other nations to establish relations with the benelovent nation of Cidonia.

Furthermore all borders of the Cidonian nation have been secured and assurance that roaming bandits and thieving gangs will be kept outside of the nation has been confirmed. Reports of bandits and thugs in areas outside New Cidia and near the great lake have been confirmed and until the army has the situation under control, further modernization in this area is being slowed down.

This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

--- GENERAL VIKTOR NAZAR DECLARED NEW SUPREME EMPEROR ---​

It is with great regret we have to inform the nation that Timotei Hermanson has disappeared and left the country after his mother was killed by Antonios Livianus, the leader of the counter-technological revolutionary movement of Cidonia (CTRMC). Timotei Hermanson managed to escape into the fields around the residence of Antonius Livianus and search units are currently on their way to find our beloved Supreme Leader.

Antonius Livianus and various of his supporters were killed in a rescue attempt by the Cidonian National Guard and the Cidonian Intelligence Agency however Timotei Hermanson was no where to be found.

As a temporary act the new Supreme Leader to take over all current bodies of the government is General Viktor Nazar. A military parade was held in his honor in the capital New Cidia to honor the new Supreme Leader of Cidonia.

Supreme Leader Nazar declared that he will increase the cooperation shown by Talemantros, the neighbouring nation that has already helped significantly in the rebuilding of Cidonia "Cidonia and Talemantros have a bright future ahead of them and will surely have no problems increasing these great relations." Supreme Leader Nazar said to press today.

The new General of the army, Gaspar Triston, declared that the Cidonian army is armed and ready to defend its ideals and the nation state itself thanks to the help of Talemantros and all the hard-working citizens of Cidonia.

Foreign minister of the nation, Fabian Tjeerd, issued a warning towards Altais as well stating that "further hostilities towards the benelovent nation of Talemantros will affect the relations between Cidonia and Altaisk indefinitely" and that an expeditionary force was on its way towards the harbour of Talemaniki now.


This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

--- SUPREME LEADER NAZAR MOBILIZES THE NATION ---​

After the rebuilding of the capital of the nation with the support of the only ally of the nation, Talemantros, Cidonia begins to look beyond it's borders and begins with helping their only ally at the moment in their time of war. After a military parade on the streets of New Cidia in honour of the new Supreme Leader Nazar, Supreme Leader Nazar held a speech towards the nation which will certainly not be the last:

"People of Cidonia, comrades, I am glad to inform you that our nation once again shines brightly! In the darkness that is our world, Cidonia is the beacon of hope and light that all the nations will adore and look to in times of need! Times of need. To be needed and to help, these are things that Cidonia will do to all of it's allies. And one of our allies needs our help, the glorious nation of Talemantros. Let it be known here that the entire armed forced of Cidonia have been mobilized and will begin to prepare themselves for these times of need. This time is now. Cidonia will stand by its allies and crush all those who oppose them through the use of superior firepower, cunning and tactis. Cidonia will rise once again beyond the sky and amongst the stars! Long live Cidonia!"

The armed forces of Cidonia as well as the Cidonian Navy have begun troop movement towards Talemantros and will arrive after the expeditionary forces. Infrastructural improvements in the southern regions of Cidonia have been completed for the most part concerning main highways and harbour connections. Infrastructure to the north is being improved on as these words are read by yourself.

This is CNN.

 

[Socialist Commonwealth]

Commissariate for Foreign Affairs

Carentania will not allow the deployment of Cidonian forces for aggressive purposes to Talemantros. This is not a request, but a notification.

 

[Cidonia]

--- MASTURBATION: CAN IT HEAL DEPRESSION? ---​

Leading scientists in Cidonia have found out that in 65% of observed cases of patients who were suffering from depression did indeed feel better emotionally after masturbating. "Thanks to the release of dopamine, the patients were temporarily happier. We mark this down as a success." said one scientist. Cidonians, still quite prude and conservative in aspects concerning sex were surprised by this result "We conducted a survey amongst 10,000 Cidonians and only 23% admitted to masturbating regularly. We defined regularly as 3-4 times week." lead scientist Dr. Dr. Michael Spurdo recalled.

Of the 10,000 surveyed people, 50% were men and the other 50% were women. "The discripancy was astounding. We asked our patients if they masturbate and only 5% admitted to regularly masturbating, the women said they don't masturbate at all. However in our survey the number was a little higher" Dr. Dr. Spurdo notes. Upon the question how often he masturbates he laughs and replies "Of our survey and our patients a small amount say they do, the rest are lying."

This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

--- CIDONIA INCREASES TALEMANTROS SUPPORT ---​

In the current conflict continuing on our beloved continent, our gracious Supreme Leader has ensured economical support with Talemantros by a joint trade agreement. In return for the great support that Talemantros provided to Cidonia in the rebuilding of the nation, Cidonia likewise will share the nation's wealth with Talemantros.

"Cidonia is eternally grateful for the support that Talemantros has shown to the Cidonian nation through means of resources as well as morale support and we are eternally grateful. As a response the Cidonian nation will increase the export of our cars, coal and arms manufacturing." the Cidonian embassy in Talemantros gave to protocol.

The Cidonian automobile industry is one of the biggest in Europe and has been experiencing a comeback with a wave of "retro" enthusiasts aiming to get their hands on the old fashioned Cidonian style cars which are prominent throughout Cidonia. Despite their old fashioned design they are quite economical, by Cidonian standards. The arms manufacturing industry in Cidonia is still a blooming industry and the coal industry is an old tradition of Cidonia.

This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

--- PROCESSED MEAT LINKED TO PANCREATIC CANCER ---​

A link between eating processed meat, such as bacon or sausages, and pancreatic cancer has been suggested by researchers in Cidonia. They said eating an extra 50g of processed meat, approximately one sausage, every day would increase a person's risk by 19%.

But the chance of developing the rare cancer remains low. The World Cancer Research Fund suggested the link may be down to obesity. Eating red and processed meat has already been linked to bowel cancer. As a result the Cidonian government recommended in 2011 that people eat no more than 70g a day. Prof Suzanne Larsson, who conducted the study at the Cid City Institute, told CNN that links to other cancers were "quite controversial".

She added: "It is known that eating meat increases the risk of colorectal cancer, it's not so much known about other cancers." The study, published in the Cidonian Journal of Cancer, analysed data from 11 trials and 6,643 patients with pancreatic cancer.

Hazel Nunn from Cancer Research Cidonia: ''The increased risk was found only in processed meat''. It found that eating processed meat increased the risk of pancreatic cancer. The risk increased by 19% for every 50g someone added to their daily diet. Having an extra 100g would increase the risk by 38%.

Prof Larsson said: "Pancreatic cancer has poor survival rates. So as well as diagnosing it early, it's important to understand what can increase the risk of this disease." She recommended that people eat less red meat.

Sara Hiom, the charity's information director, said: "The jury is still out as to whether meat is a definite risk factor for pancreatic cancer and more large studies are needed to confirm this, but this new analysis suggests processed meat may be playing a role." However, she pointed out that smoking was a much greater risk factor.

The World Cancer Research Fund has advised people to completely avoid processed meat. Dr Rachel Thompson, the fund's deputy head of science, said: "We will be re-examining the factors behind pancreatic cancer later this year as part of our Continuous Update Project, which should tell us more about the relationship between cancer of the pancreas and processed meat.

"There is strong evidence that being overweight or obese increases the risk of pancreatic cancer and this study may be an early indication of another factor behind the disease. "Regardless of this latest research, we have already established a strong link between eating red and processed meat and your chances of developing bowel cancer, which is why WCRF recommends limiting intake of red meat to 500g cooked weight a week and avoid processed meat altogether."

This is CNN.

 

[Cidonia]

--- 2 JOURNALISTS KILLED AT THE BEGINNING OF OPERATION TENSE SUNRISE ---​

In an attempt to crack down on tribal warfare in the region, Cidonian military have been working hard to make sure Cidonia becomes a safer place to stay. With over 500 people killed within the last 2 weeks due to tribal warfare and another 20,000 people dispersed, the Cidonian military deemed it necessary to intervene.

4-star General Bonifaas Zvonimir is taking control of the operation dubbed "Tense Sunrise". The operation includes over 50,000 troops in total, with mechanized infantry supporting the entirity of the operation as well as support from the 187th airborne division. "We are spreading out in all directions to make sure New Cidia and the rest of Cidonia become safer" said General Zvonimir to the gathered press, a highly secured ordeal.

On the other hand, operation "Tense Sunrise" itself began today and was a very dangerous endeavour indeed as it proved to be. In the first clash between the Emu tribe and the 45th infantry division, about 110km north north-west of New Cidia 2 foreign embedded journalists were shot as they ignored a sergeant's command to not go to the middle of a dirt road to film towards the village. In the first engagement of operation "Tense Sunrise" a total of 23 opposing forces were killed, 42 injured and 15 captured. There were 2 wounded on Cidonian side.

It was deemed a success by the Cidonian armed forces and a good omen for the rest of the operation. The nationality of the journalists was a Talemantran born journalist working in Kyiv and a Kyvian camera man.

This is CNN.